Just Tired

I tend to be pretty upbeat on this blog most of the time.  Lest that lead you to think I never get discouraged with the ins and outs of motherhood--and life--please think again.

Lately, I can totally relate to this picture.  Not that I walk around with billowing hair and gown all day--for more accuracy, you'd need to replace the silky gown with grubby sweats, the flowing hair with a short, not-washed-in-two-days 'do, scatter a few Legos and Hot Wheels on the floor and smear some grape jelly on the chair.  But it's a good representation of how I've been feeling on the inside recently.

I'm tired.  Just tired.  Tired of laundry, tired of dishes, tired of permission slips and grocery shopping and diaper changing and bed making and....just tired.  I'm in a rut.  A big, fat, funky RUT.

I love my life.  I really, really do.  There's nothing I would rather do than take care of this family that I adore.  But some moments, do you ever just feel the weight of the responsibilities facing you, and they seem to loom on and on and on into the future and you wonder, "will I still be driving carpool when I'm 80?"  And of course, you won't, but doesn't it sometimes just feel like it?  And then I say things like this, and I think of the mother sitting with her baby in a tent in Sudan and I wonder what on earth I ever think I could complain about.  I feel like an ungrateful wretch, and I feel guily about that, which discourages me more, and....you get the idea.

If there is one thing I've learned in the last few years, it's that God isn't just present at the high points and the low points, He's smack dab in the middle of the doldrums, too.  In the places, like this one, where life just kind of stretches out in a flat, when-will-this-ever change place that isn't exactly painful, but just tedious.

The verse I come back to time and time again--my "banner" verse for this motherhood journey--is Psalm 73:26--

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I share that verse reluctantly, because I don't want to sound like life is just read-a-psalm-and-everything-will-be-rosy-tomorrow easy.  Chances are I'll wake up tomorrow with the same case of the blahs that I've had these last few weeks.  But you know what?  I'll get up and make breakfast--again.  I'll take the kids to school--again.  I'll drop off the dry cleaning and run to the store and load the dishwasher and fold underwear--again.  And eventually, somehow, the cloud will lift and I'll be back to the place of finding wonder in the things that have me pulling my hair out now.  I know this, because I've seen this rut many times before.  And I'll see it again. 

That's what that Psalm means to me.  When my heart is discontent and disinterested, He gently takes the reins for a while and steers me through the doldrums.  He puts my one foot in front of the other when I just want to curl up for a six-week nap.  And why am I telling you all this?  I'm not sure, really.  Maybe someone out there feels the same way too?  Let's just plug along, friend.

Comments

[Stephanie]

You put how I feel most of the time so well. It reminds me of when people ask you whats new, and the most exciting thing in your life is the new scent of dryer sheets you are using. I feel like a lot of my days are "Groundhog Day"s--remember that movie with Andie McDowell and that one guy? Each day feels the same as the day before. The funny thing is that I love it. Not every moment love it, but in general love it. I wouldn't change figuring out if I want to feed my kids Cheerios or Shredded Wheat in the morning or which loop to drop my little girl off in at school every morning for the most exciting life in Hollywood. There are many days that I have to tell myself that if I were to give up now, I would miss all of the wonderful to come. I love that Psalm; I think I will coin it as my mantra as well.

I will plug along with you.

[Heather]

It feels so good to hear someone else say that, and you put it so perfectly. I've been feeling like that for a few weeks myself. If I could just get "caught up" on everything and do something different. I always feel so guilty feeling this way and never feel like I can actually voice it without making myself sound ungrateful. Thank you for writing this post. It helps to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way at times.

[kathryn, dym]

I've been feeling so blah lately too. I'm so glad to hear you post about it in your amazing way. Here's to getting over the bleck!

[Theresa]

Ditto, Ditto, Ditto! Funny how all our worlds look organized and great in the blogging world but in reality we still have days or weeks when we're not "in the zone", as our pastor calls it. (He's referring to God's Zone). Isn't it hard getting up everyday to know you have the same agenda as yesterday? I swear I think I'm the only SAHM that wears her pajamas all day and every other mom is freshly showered, make-up on, hair done, etc. It gets me even more depressed thinking about it. Anyways, happy days are ahead my friend!

And, sorry for the long comment but you hit home sister with this post. Thanks for coming out and so we don't feel alone.

Love this thing called blogging...

[meredith]

Blah, me too. I so don't want to go downstairs and unload and load the dishwasher, again, so I am procrastinating in front of the computer. It sounds so shallow, but something as little as that can get me in a funk.

[peach]

Oh Shannon, I've so been there and still am, if I am gut-level honest. How have I added ya'll to my blog roll and my blog life? From just blankly staring at the computer screen rather than be about the blah-ness (my word) of mopping floors, wiping noses and folding one more pair of holey-kneed jeans of the cutest boy in town.

Blogging is such a release from the ordinary, and while I love it -- I know I come here at times to escape that very same ordinary I must face daily . . . while the dustbunnies multiply in my absence.

Thanks for being so vulnerable, Shannon. As always, another great topic.

[Susan]

Wow! I think your wrote this post for me (and of coure the other girls who feel you wrote it for them). I was just diagnosed with Epstein Bar. Which is like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I have been feeling so tired and blah lately. It takes a lot of energy to even get up in the morning. But you know, you reminded me that God is there for me during this time too! And maybe instead of trying to control this myself, I need to let him take the reins. I may be tired and blah, but he's right there to be there for me!

Thanks so much girl!

[Mary]

That is why I took a day off from being me yesterday. Even though I had two doctor's appointments, I took myself to lunch and a movie. I also ate pop corn (one of those things I shouldn't eat because it drives this diabetics blood sugar right through the roof) because I hadn't done anything for me lately. So if you can arrange it, I think that I would try to arrange to do something for yourself. It might lift your spirits. It did mine.

[Neighbor Jane]

Shannon--you have a great gift for putting reality into words. Thanks for your great posts.

[Christa Mullins]

Add me to the list! I have especially had a struggle with feeling the way you and I are feeling since my 4th child was born, two years ago. I can so relate to the cycle of guilt -- thinking that everyone else has it all together, and it is just me that is struggling so much. It is hard to be feeling this way when I know that I should be filled with joy because of all the Lord has done for me. It is good to know that I am not alone.

[Gabriela]

Shannon,

I love how you described how your picture would look with the hotwheel cars and legos. I get that way sometimes too. I think it just goes with the territory of being a mom, woman, human :). Hang in there!

[Queen Beth]

That was wonderful. My Dad always tells me when I'm in dark or dry times...pray even tho your soul doesn't want to.

[aggiejenn]

I've been thinking these exact same things lately and just had a little breakdown the other night. Motherhood is hard. No one ever said it would be easy, but IT IS HARD!!! I love that verse you shared. Thanks for spilling your heart for others.

[janiners]

I have to admit that I have lived months at a time in the blahs and doldrums. Going through those times, I was always reminded that God is still in those times with me, too. How could we get up everyday, feeling blah and still manage to take care of what needs to be done if He wasn't with us? I think these times our faith can really grow stronger because we can learn that God REALLY is with us in everything (not just the worst and the best) and wants to perfect us in every aspect of our lives - even in the seemingly mundane, blahsy, doldrummy times. Hang in there, girl and keep finding Him in these times. It's exactly what He wants us to do. Thanks for the words of encouragement from the Psalms, too. What a precious thought!

Gotta love the picture, too! :-) You mean you don't spend your days in a billowing gown taking care of all the household chores and feeling and looking oh-so-feminine all the time?

[Carol]

You are so right, Shannon. God is in the highs, the lows and the in-betweens. He can use all these places to guide and teach us.

I think we've all been there/done that. Thank you for putting into words I can relate to.

[momrn2]

WOW! I've so been there for the last few months myself. I'm plugging right along with you my friend. Thanks for this!! I SO needed it!!

[Jules @ Everyday Mommy]

Oh, never feel reluctant to share a verse of Scripture. It is the most powerful thing you can share. It is living and enduring.

1 Peter 1:23 ...for you have been born again not of seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring Word of God.

[Alyssa]

Thank you! It is great to read that someone else feels the same as I feel often.

[melnel]

I once heard a very wise many say in a devotional speech:

Do not mistake local cloud cover for perpetual darkness.

This helps me not feel guilty about how I feel when I see the troubles of others, usually much more severe than my own. They may have their local storms, but I have cloud cover too. And still, God keeps the world from perpetual darkness.

[Sherri W]

I have been there many times! A wise older lady told me once, when I felt this way, "Just do the next thing." I think she was getting at the fact that we do our regularly-scheduled-programming, AGAIN, to keep from focusing so much on ourselves!

[Lindsey]

Yep. Been there, done that, washed the tee-shirt :)

Here's to counting our blessings.

By the way I do look like that picture, billowy hair, dress and all. HA!

[Susannes]

Shannon: Thanks for being open enough to share this post! We've all been there, are there, or will be there! We are human and moms. And a lot of being a mom is absolutely routine. But I love what melnel said about cloud cover not being perpetual darkness. And Mary got my idea up first. When was the last time you just treated yourself? When I was a younger mom a few of us had a group where we would rotate taking kids so that another could have a day off just to do something for themselves whether a movie & popcorn like Mary suggested, shopping just for you, lunch with friends or a looooooong uninterupted soak in the tub and uninterupted time in fellowship with the Lord. If you do choose something at home though, there is the rule you are NOT allowed to do anything chore related! No cheating!

I'll be praying for you that the Lord refreshes & renews you in the coming days!!!

[Rachel]

So feeling this way right now too! Thanks for sharing the Psalm. I plan to print it up and stick it on the fridge!

[edj]

Yeah, I can relate. But this is what all those verses about perseverance and running the race with patience are about! Just doing it all again and again, and then doing it again the next day. Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing. It takes wisdom to realize, as you do, that this is temporary.
That verse is excellent, and a good reminder for me where I'm at too...not in the doldrums, dealing with some real discouragement, and needing to remember where my real strength lies. Thanks.

[Sandra]

Your post sounded like me. I have felt that way many times, it's not that I don't love my life and my family, but I think that we as mothers have our bad days.

I mentioned your post in my blog this morning, I think moms everywhere can relate to your feelings :)

Wish I could look like that picture you posted LOL
Usually I look frazzled, almost psychotic by the afternoon, what can I say, it's all in the joys of motherhood :)
Huge hugs to you,
Sandra