Wilderness

Three and a half years ago, I began having panic attacks.  And by panic attacks, I don't mean brief moments of anxiety, I mean hours of debilitating, paralyzing fear.  After a few hours it would subside, leaving me spent and overcome with despair for an hour or two, and the cycle would begin again.

The strange thing was that there was no good "reason" this was happening to me.  I had a happy marriage, healthy children, a lovely home--by everyone else's standards, my life was charmed.  I had always been the girl with her act together--others came to me when things got rocky.  How could I possibly be the one going off the edge?

But I was.  Dramatically and suddenly, I was falling off the edge.   Things became so dark I could no longer care for my children--my mother had to come and help us manage.  My husband was a rock, but even his unwavering support wasn't enough to rescue me.  I spent my days huddled in a ball of anguish, feeling the waves of despair and panic wash over me, again and again.  I wanted, with all my heart, to die, and I thought about it constantly.  And to anyone who would listen, I would say, "This shouldn't be happening to me.  There's no reason for me to feel like this," as though if I said it often enough, it would all go away.

You see, I knew, as a Christian, that hard times would come.  I was prepared for that.  But these were supposed to be hard times that happened outside of me.  When the trials came, I thought  I should be able to retreat into my heart, my mind, the "safe place" where God offered comfort.  But this time, my heart and my mind were the war zones.  To retreat into them was only to be lost further. 

In the middle of this, a light switched on for me during a conversation with my brother.  I shared all this with him, wondering aloud where God was, and why I was left to wallow in my own despair.  And my brother said something that stopped me in my tracks:  "Sis, He's the God of the wilderness too."

Yes.  The God of the wilderness.  The God who brought his people, the Israelites, out of slavery and allowed them to wander aimlessly for 40 years in the most barren land imagineable.  Not because He was cruel, or mistaken, or inept--but because there are lessons that can only be learned in the wilderness. 

I stayed up late that night reading about the Israelites and their dark places.  The story that jumped out at me most (you can read the whole passage here in Exodus 14) was the story of their recent escape from Egypt.  The Egyptians were hot on the heels of the Israelites--their doom seemed sure.  But Moses confidently reminded them: 

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."  (v. 13-14)

So, it turned out, I was experiencing God's presence, though not in the warm and fuzzy way I expected.  It was more like a helicopter rescue.  He was the guy on the ladder, hanging on desperately to me while the waters churned below.  If He let go, it meant sure death.  But if He would just hang on to me, then maybe, maybe I could make it out of this terrible place.

And He did hang on.  As I quit fighting my time in the wilderness and instead began to look around, He gradually led me to other side.  Through a variety of means including, yes, medication, He helped me climb out of that dark pit.  And now on the other side, I see so many reasons why I had to walk through that wilderness.  In my "charmed life", would I have ever seen the things I saw in that terrible place?  Would I have had to trust God for my very next breath, my very ability to survive?  Of couse not.

The wilderness will come again, that is sure.  Maybe not in the form of depression and panic attacks, but it will come again.  We live in a fallen world where heartbreak and tragedy are unavoidable.  But the dark places don't seem so scary to me now, and the wilderness doesn't seem so wild.  I've been there.  I learned the lay of the land.  And I saw Who was there.

This post was originally published on February 22, 2006.

Comments

[Amanda]

I can not say how much this touched my very soul! I've recently (this year) had that exact experience. I literally wanted to die. At times, I was even sure I was dying... and my very loving husband would rush me to the ER.

Like you, thru medication, and God's love, I'm better. It's an uphill hike daily...

Those panic attacks, the depression, the battles of constant tears, and the agonizing pain of not knowing WHY still linger in my mind. I did learn some life lessons thru this... and I praise the Lord for those lessons.

I appreciate this post. I really *needed* it.

Hugs
Amanda :)

[jen]

i have suffered from the same thing myself
I had an anxiety attack several years ago for hours. There was no rythmn nor real reason why I should have suffered like I did but I did. I was very dizzy, nauseated, and didnt want to tell anyone. I suffered for hours and then I like you was left wiped ut, exhaysted with a terible headache. The next day I did confess to my coworkers
When it happened to me I was being accessed for a teaching practise which I knew had gone well.
I in hindsight wonder how much of it was to do with the fact that I had taken myself off my antidepressants some months before. I have learnt not to do this. They keep my oxytoncin levels on an even level.

And as you say God also reminds me whenever I am in that low place that He is there and that I can lean on Him and He will guide me though strengthening me on the way. Praise Him

[margalit]

Shannon, just out of curiosity, and not as any comment about your post, do you read Hebrew or Aramaic? Or are you quoting the Torah in English? Because what you wrote, and what the Torah actually says in Hebrew are two different things. Small changes, but different. The actual translation is:

13 And Moses said unto the people: Fear you not, stand still, and see the salvation of
HaShem, which He will work for you today; for whereas you have seen the Egyptians today you shall see them again no more forever.

14 HaShem will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.

Where the salvation of Hashem means a great expression implying help, deliverance, welfare, and blessings. And you shall hold your peace means that this was no time for giving wild expression to fear, but to await HaShem's deliverance in quiet confidence.

Slight semantic differences, but it is interesting to see the actual translation instead of the translation from Hebrew/Aramaic to Latin/Greek and then to English.

Take care.

[Toblerone]

I am pretty sure you posted this again for me. I remember reading it the first time and sympathizing, but not really empathizing. Now I'm going through the exact same thing. I think you read my blog, so you might have gathered something's going on. But thank you for sharing your heart and your story.

[Sally]

I remember when you first posted this-I think it may have been the first post of yours that I ever read,and it couldn't have come at a better time, as I was going through the very same thing at the time. I still do on occasion. Never found a medication I could tolerate without severe side effects...wondering if I will ever feel completely normal again. No one understands wht this experience is like unless they have been through it themselves.
Thank you for re-posting this.

[Marian]

"Helicopter rescue." Reminds me of Psalm 18:16 (He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters.)-- actually the whole passage together is better!

[Joni]

Hi Shannon,

Even though I read this post back when you originally posted it, I was not going through a wilderness time then. Now I am. THANK YOU for reposting. It speaks to my heart so well.

[Beth/Mom2TwoVikings]

I don't remember this post. I had no idea you struggled with this, sweet lady! A friend of mine struggled with something similar and I never really understood how incapacitating they can be until she had one while we were at the mall one day! But, I am so blessed to hear you found God in your wilderness! ((hugs))

[Sarah]

Beautiful. My husband found himself in that same situation two years ago. What a testimony to God's grace you have given. What words of encouragement and promise. Thank you

[Susan]

I've struggled with this since I was a teen...I distinctly remember my first 'attack' when I was 17 years old. It's only been in the last 8-10 years that I knew it had a name. It comes and goes still. Meds kept the panic attacks at bay, but the side effects (for me) were getting me down. More and more woman are sharing that they have panic attacks. Like you (and me) they couldn't figure out why. I do think God used them to get my attention. To change me. Continue to change me. My bgf was also unable to leave the house (the bed most times) afraid of the panic attacks hitting her. Affecting her physically, as well. Like you (and me) she realized that God is also with us in the Wilderness. I always felt that it was ME holding onto HIM for dear life. Still am!

[Stacey]

Thank you so much for bringing light to a dark time. It's amazing that when we go through times like this we feel so alone but in actuality we are never alone. God is always there. And by the number of comments on this post, it is comforting to know that other women deal with these issues and come out "okay". I too, am going through anxiety/depression issues. I also have no idea where they came from and am looking for a "solution" to my issues. At first, I was too proud to admit it but with the support of my husband, professionals, and friends, I am slowly coming out of the wilderness. Thank you for posting such a well written perspective on this.

[Lisa]

Thank you for this post. Even though I have never gone through any serious anxiety like this I do experience mild anxiety from time to time. I can tell by the comments left here that this post has touched a lot of people. I know that no matter how difficult the wilderness may be we have to go through those times in order to become closer to God. If we didn't have those times it would be so easy to just go about our lives without God in it. But when we get to the point where we have to rely on Him we realize how much we need Him. Thanks for re-posting this. I had not read the original post and was touched by this.

[Karla~Looking Towards Heaven]

I suffer from panic attacks too, and have spoken of them frequently on my blog. They really are awful - until I had experienced one I thought it was no big deal when people spoke of them.

Now I know better.

This post is absolutely wonderful!

Thank you and blessings,
Karla

[Sarah (Short Stop)]

This was so encouraging to me today! Thank you for sharing this again!

[mombo]

This Scripture is one the Lord has given me in the last week as I face the Red Sea on one side and the Egyptians on the other. I find it most difficult to keep my peace and be still. I wonder how much more stress and pressure I can take. Still, and all, I know the Lord is my Redeemer, my Deliverer, my Daddy.

[susan]

Reading your post and the comments solidifies for me that when I was going through this myself, I was not the only one.

I thought I was going crazy and that no one would understand what I was feeling. But that is not true.

Just another lie perpetrated by the enemy.

The Lord used this experience to teach me that He will never leave me or forsake me. Makes me love Him more.

[Janis]

Thank you for sharing this. I needed it so desperately right now. I am in that wilderness right now and it is difficult to remember sometimes that He is right there with me. Thanks for the reminder. Blessings to you!

[Rebecca]

I am a lurker here, but thought I would comment. This post was so touching and real. My favorite part is the last few lines where you say that the wilderness doesn't seem so wild, that you've learned the lay of the land & saw Who is there. How wise of your brother to encourage you in the fact that God is the God of the wilderness too. Something to remember when we go through those times. It is also neat to see you touch so many other people by opening up and letting Him use your struggle for His glory. Thanks for sharing!

[Sandy]

Thank you! I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a few years now and you have touched me tremendously! Thank you for this gift.

[Jan]

(Raising my hand) me too. My dr. calls it endogenous recurring depressive panic disorder. But your post describes it so vividly. I fought taking meds for years; I would take them for a while, then quit. I finally got it through my stubborn head that, like a diabetic on insulin, I could take my meds and use my coping skills, or I could let it take over my life. Thanks for sharing.

[Melissa @ Breath of Life]

We just studied this passage on Sunday. I love Verse 14!

Praise God that He is the God of all places, even the Wilderness. I was just listening to a Priscilla Shirer cd this weekend, and she said we will draw closer to Him in the wilderness than at any other time. Moses had been wandering in the wilderness for years before the Lord called him through the burning bush. I pray He'll continue to use this experience to draw you closer to Him.

Blessings, my friend.

[Karen]

Thanks for sharing this moving post. I've only been reading your blog for a short time and therefore hadn't seen this.

A note about Exodus chapter 14 (here's the Pastor's wife in me coming out!): It is true that Moses tells the children of Israel to "Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord." But in verse 15 the Lord chides Moses and tells him "Wherefore criest thou unto me? Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward..."

Essentially the Lord is saying, "I have already told you what to do (go forward), you don't have to pray or wait for my salvation, just obey." (A passage that does say to stand still is 2 Chronicles 20:15-19.)

The tricky part for us is listening for God's guidance as to whether we're in a "Stand still and see" or "Go forward" situation.

[Sandy@Reluctant Entertainers]

Shannon: Thank you for sharing your journey through the wilderness. I bet you'd say you are a more courageous person now, having gone through your experience ?!? Courage is the conviction that we will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. What a great testimony about rising above your fears. It gave me a boost today!
Sandy
For Reluctant Entertainers

[Carrie J]

Thank you.

[Chappyswife]

Shannon, this is such a beautiful post. I remember reading it the first time and had to read it again. Thanks for sharing your experience with us. It is worth talking about and a mighty witness.