Remembering

I remember the early days of my very first pregnancy, blissfully cloud-walking at the thought of becoming a mother.

I remember the sound of my parents' voices when they heard the news that I was expecting their first grandchild.

I remember looking at nursery furniture and baby clothes, with a grin that simply would not wipe off my face.

I remember the crushing weight that collapsed onto my chest in that ultrasound room at 10 weeks--not only had the baby died, but the baby had died 5 weeks earlier and my body simply didn't "get it".

I remember waking from the anesthesia crying and calling out my husband's name, and the nurses' gentle assurance that I would see him soon.

I remember lying in my bed, blinds drawn and phone off, wondering how I would ever face the world without that little person inside me. 

I remember that I couldn't put my hand on my belly for weeks.

I remember the painful things that well-meaning people would say, and how I would physically cringe:  "At least you weren't attached to the baby yet,"  "You can always have another one,"  "This is actually a blessing"...

I remember marvelling that I could feel such pain and such peace at the same time.

I remember learning that the hole left in my heart wouldn't be filled by another baby, or anything else--that it might just stay there.

I remember rocking Adam, my next-born, and realizing with wonder that if the first baby had been carried to term, we wouldn't have conceived Adam.  And I remember being flooded with assurance that our God is sovereign, and He is very good.

It was twelve years ago this week, but I still remember.  That little hole in my heart is still there, but it no longer hurts--it's more of a souvenir of experience I don't want to forget.  My home and heart are full of happy, noisy, funny memories--enough to mull over for a lifetime.  But with my treasured box of few tangible reminders (sympathy cards, hospital records, and even a faded pregnancy test) I remember--I will always remember--my few short weeks as that little baby's mother. 

And I smile.

(This post was originally published in April 2006.)

Comments

[Amy loves Bud]

Shannon,

God bless you for loving that baby so much. Don't you look forward to the day when you will get to see all of your children together? That's what I look forward to when I think of the one I lost ten years ago - how fun it will be to see them all together.

Saying a little prayer for you as you remember. - Amy

[Stretch Mark Mama]

July 3, 2003. We never forget.

[Linds]

I too have a little unknown one to remember, and 25 years later, I still do. My husband has been with that little one for 18 months now though. That makes me smile.

[kelli]

I can't wait for the day when I am reunited with my six beautiful heaven-borns.

[AmyH]

Oh, Shannon. I lost two babies too, on Dec 7 2003 and Dec 8 2004 .I was due in July both times and it's still hard. I have four beautiful children here and two of them would not be here if I hadn't lost the other two little ones....but it's still sad.
(((hugs)))

[Stacey]

Thanks for sharing your heart. I too lost a little one about 6 months ago. It was really so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Hugs!!!!

[Beth_C]

November 28, 2006. I was only 9 weeks pregnant but it didn't matter. I was already completely in love with him.

I was sad for weeks, months even, until I heard someone say that we will meet our unborn babies in heaven. What peace that statement gave me!

[Mamma D]

My littlest wouldn't be if his brother had been. The feelings are so mixed. But, how much greater it must be to be born in heaven!

[Lorraine]

{{{{{{{{{{Shannon}}}}}}}}}}

I've been there.

Angel. December 29, 1998 @ 11 weeks. My only unexplained loss. The only one that truly makes me site back and wonder, what would life be like if she had made it.

Mysterie Rayne. December 7, 1999 @ 6weeks. - because of this loss, I was blessed with GeekBoy.

Sunshie Rae. January 10, 2002 @ 5 weeks.
Charity Rose. February 16, 2002 @ 4weeks.
Because of both these losses, I became pregnant with thePinkDiva.

The hurt never goes completely away. The last three were explained when I had an emergency c-s with tPD. Bicornuate uterus. my womb was a different shape than normal, causing pregnancy to be difficult if they managed to survive implantation. I still struggle with the thought that my defective womb caused at least three losses, and all three of my survivors were born premature because of it also.

Hugs to you, on this special day. We will never forget.

[Sarah @ Ordinary Days]

Goosebumps. That was beautiful.

[mzzterry]

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} Shannon. What a testimony of God mercy and grace, without Him, I don't think a Mother could smile while remembering. My heart & prayers go out to all of you who have shared your hearts losses. God Bless you all.

[becks]

I know what you are talking about, but your words say it best - Sept 8, 2003 - at 11 weeks. But what a blessing, my daughter born 11 months later. God knows what he is doing, but I can't wait to meet that little one someday...

[Georgia Mom]

You never forgot!!! I lost my first baby on July 1, 1998. I was 10 weeks. And I've thought many times about the Lord's will in all that. I wouldn't have my MayMay if it weren't for loosing that first baby. You just never know.

Blessings,
Georgia Mom

[Lori]

What a testimony of the grace of God. Thank you so much for sharing.
Blessings!
Lori

[Sarah]

What a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.

[T.Dalton]

I've not commented here before, but this struck a personal memory for me. I too lost my first pregnancy in Feburary of 1999. I was 12 weeks gestation and it is still one of the most vivid memories I have. My oldest daughter was born in December of 2000 and like you I was amazed at the irony of it all. Thank you for taking me back and sharing your story.

[Beth]

Oh Shannon, I know this so well. I've given birth to 4 live children, miscarried 2 and had stillborn twins. I heard all the well-intentioned but very hurtful comments. The most hurtful comments were made after I lost my twins. I actually gave birth to them at 18 weeks. This happened after my 4th child was born. If they had lived I would have had 6 babies in just under 8 years. That was almost 16 years ago. One thing that someone said has stayed with me and given me such hope. I hope you find comfort with this too. She told me that I have 4 babies on earth to love and hold, and 4 babies in heaven waiting to meet me. I know I'll see them again.

[Sister Honey Bunch]

Thank you for sharing.

[Amy]

People who haven't been through it don't understand what it's like to lose a pregnancy.

Love to you.

[Sheila]

I lost my first baby, too, at just a few weeks, and I couldn't believe how much it hurt.

My next child was fine. My third was not. He was born with a heart defect, and died at a month of age. Katie, my youngest, was born a year later.

She has recently figured out that had Christopher not died, she likely would not have been born. That's affected her quite a bit. But I try to tell her that she was God's gift to me, my little bundle to hug and love, and for whatever reason this is just the way things are supposed to be.

She never replaced Christopher, anymore than Rebecca replaced my first little one I never met. But they were a comfort. So I have two babies in heaven, and two here. And I love them all.

Visit To Love, Honor and Vacuum today!

[Jenni]

Hey girl...you still are and will always be that little baby's mother. I smile when I think of the reunions that await.

Thank you for expressing the hurt and the hope so beautifully.

[Kristen]

I remember reading this post before...maybe last year at this time? It struck such a chord with me because I, too, lost two babies. The first was January 28, 2003, he was Gabriel. The second was April 30th, 2005, and I named her Mabel. I saw both of their heartbeats on ultrasound, and I remember the dream of what each little person would be like. I don't think I have ever really gotten over the second one. I'm just a different person, a little less happy, a little more cautious, and wonder if I'm even capable of feeling the kind of joy that I used to feel. Even though this happens to many many women, I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it can really understand what it feels like, and why we don't forget. God bless you Shannon, and all of you ladies who haven't forgotten. And may the Lord cradle our little ones until the day when we are able to hold them ourselves.

[Laura]

I lost five babies and now have five beautiful children. People who haven't experienced it don't get it. I'm thrilled with my five little blessings but I will never forget the five I lost.

[Andrea]

I saw myself in your post today. I had nine miscarriages interspersed with the births of my four children and as painful as each loss was, I cannot imagine life without these four particular blessings that God has entrusted to me. He is sovereign and He is good. Blessings on you today.

[Andrea]

I saw myself in your post today. I had nine miscarriages interspersed with the births of my four children and as painful as each loss was, I cannot imagine life without these four particular blessings that God has entrusted to me. He is sovereign and He is good. Blessings on you today.