So This Is How It's Gonna Be

I am the mother of a pre-teen.  This means he is just old enough to be slightly horrified by me.

Recently in the mini-van, the kids and I were jammin' to some tunz (that's "jamming to some tunes", to you poor souls who do not have the street cred of this midwestern, 35-year-old housewife), and we came to a stoplight.

And I proceeded to do what is perfectly reasonable for a midwestern, 35-year-old housewife to do at a stoplight: The Robot.

My pre-teen son, who normally would have gleefully joined in with me, instead raised his hand to his face.

"Mom!" he said.  "Don't DO that!"

"Why not?" I asked.

"Because," he said, glancing around to see if any other motorists noticed.  "A boy has needs."

And evidently one of those needs is for his mother not to do bad eighties dances in the car. 

A new day is definitely dawning around here, as adolescence looms, and I'm trying to be sensitive.  I remember being horrified by my own parents  (who, it turns out, are perfectly lovely people and not at all horrific), and I told my son I understood.  In fact, when his teacher invited me to his class recently to share photos of my Africa trip, I specifically asked him ahead of time: tell me how I can do this in a way that won't embarrass you.

He did not hesitate.  Evidently the ways I'm humiliating are right at the top of his head.

"Well," he said, "don't sing opera."  (If you spent any time in our house, you would know that this is a perfectly valid concern.)

"And don't use the word totally," he said.  I promised him I totally would not.  He rolled his eyes.

"And," he said, pausing nervously, wondering if he was about to hurt my feelings, "just don't try to be cool."

I assured him there was absolutely no danger this. 

The talk to his class went fine.  I shot him a couple of questioning "am-I-doing-okay?" glances, and he gave me reassuring nods.  I think we're going to be okay.  I've promised him that Dad and I are sensitive to the fact that he's not a little boy anymore, and I'm standing by my word, when we're out in public.

But in the privacy of our home?  Opera and bad dancing are the name of the game.  And just before his eyes roll back in his head, I can detect a little twinkle. 

Yes.  We're going to be okay.

Comments

[Karen]

*sigh* my oldest is 10. I have heard rumors that this is the favorite age for eldest children (as chosen by parents). I know all the child development stuff and that I should not be expecting things to stay rosy. I am just not ready for them NOT to be rosy. Blessings to you!

[momrn2]

From one mother of pre-teens to another, our rules are basically the same. When we are out in public I put limits on myself. However, when we're at home... all bets are off! ;-)

How do they grow so quickly??? *sigh*

[A Frog In My Soup]

Ah, yes! I too am the 35 (for 1 more hour) year old mom of a pre-teen son and can see this in him often.

It's a whole new world, where as the mom of 6 boys I suddenly have to endure a little drama *gasp* as our oldest heads far too quickly into the realm of teenager-hood *sigh*. So nice to know I'm not the only one :)

Blessings,
Shera

[Ashleigh (Heart and Home)]

I remember a friend of my mom's telling the story that one day, driving her pre-teen boy home from school, he was going on and on about this terrible, awful thing now called GIRLS. Girls just caused so many problems, and made everything so complicated now. She looked at him and said, "Well, you know, B, I'm a girl." To which he replied, quite horrified, "Awww, Mom! Don't be a GIRL!"

I'm just glad these days are waaay down the road for my boys. Oh, yes I am.

[~Straight Shooter~]

Thank you, thank you! I so needed to read this little ditty tonight!! You rock Momma!

[Minnesotamom]

You're a good mom, Shannon. A lot of parents would just go the route of embarrassing and telling their kid to "toughen up." I'm glad that you're willing to work with his NEEDS. :)

[dcrmom]

LOL!! All I can say is, I'm SO glad you are going thru this before me. So I can soak up all the lessons you have to learn the hard way. ;-)

[mimi2six]

This can also work FOR you! One of my friends used the "I'll embarrass you in front of your friends" line to discipline her kids when they were that age and a little older. She even had specific outfits to threaten with....weird glasses, rolled down knee-hi's with tennis shoes, etc. It worked, too, until they got past that "don't embarrass me" stage.

[Kim]

Thanks for the laugh! I am getting to that point too with our son! Have to start being sensitive!

[Ladybug Crossing]

Hugging them in middle school is out, too. :-) But, I do it anyway - because I CAN! Bwahahahaha!!
A little humiliation is good...

[MT Nest]

Ahhh, I remember those days! My sons are now 27 and 26. How I wish we'd had bloggers back then! Just a word of warning - it's likely to get worse before it gets better. :) My oldest and I went through a particularly rough time. The day we left to take him to college, I was ready to open the van door, kick him to the curb, and keep going. (Just kidding - but not by much!)

Today, we have an incredible relationship. So when the going gets rocky, just hang on. And pray, pray, pray!

[Mary]

I'm a 40 yr old mom of a 12 yr old boy. Just yesterday I was talking to him about Boy Scout summer camp. I'll be there most of the week as a leader and I wanted to be sure that he isn't going to be completely humiliated to have me there. I'm not allowed to touch him, sing, dance to try to act funny in any way shape or form.

[Ann @ Holy Experience]

~smile~
My oldest is counting the days, not that many, until he turns 13. And I'm not counting the months, so few, until I turn 35.

And yeah. By His grace, we'll be okay. I have to remind myself to keep touching, keep making spaces just to be available, sitting on the edge of the bed after the lights are out, waiting for this future man to slowly open up.

Relationship, honoring, listening. And laughing, lots of laughter.

Good to walk this way with you, my friend.... (who is *totally* cool ~wink, smile~)

All's grace,
Ann

[chocolatechic]

This is hilarious.

Yesterday after church, the teens had a missions trip meeting. Parents were obligated to attend, so I came up behind my 17.10 year old boy and sang into his ear "you are so beautiful to me, you are so beautiful to me".

He said "mooooooom. Do you have to do that?" Well, of course I do. So, I finished the song for him. But I had to wait till he climbed back over the pew.

Yeah...a 17 year old boy climbing over tops of pews is "totally" cool.

[chocolatechic]

OH...I also like to sing out loud to whatever song is playing in Stuffmart if my chips are around. I even dance to the Elvis songs. They love that.

[pam]

Hmmm . . . I guess that explains why my 12-year-old rolls her eyes any time her daddy and I start singing at the top of our lungs, followed by her asking "is that . . . 80's music? . . . with a huge sigh attached.

It also explains why she insists I wear a sports bra if I'm attempting some 80's dancing. Though I could have figured that one out for myself. : )

[ToddleBits]

I'm all for being sensitive to a teenager's constant fear of being humiliated, but I'm still afraid when my girls are older the temptation for me will be too great. Good for you for practicing restraint!

[tracey]

I think you're doing awesome, hon. I TOTALLY agree that if you want your kids to remain open and honest with you as teens, then you have to make some accommodations for them. Including not deliberately embarrassing them. Some people think it's a right of passage, etc. but I just know that teen years are TOUGH and I don't want to add any complications for my kids.

Now, remind me of this in about 3-5 years, ok?

[Beth @ A Quest for Relevance]

My almost-15-year old won't let me near him in public. Now if only he felt the same way about girls :-P

[Robin]

My kids have this paradoxical view of me--their FRIENDS think I'm a "cool mom"; even though I might do things that **embarrass** them (which they hate), their friends think I'm "alright (which they love).

Can you imagine being the kid whose mom shows up at school after a trip to the Caribbean in Bo Derek BRAIDS??? VERY mixed reaction--my kids loved it at home, cringed in public...but their friends thought it was WILD and crazy (me, too, for the record).

And, yes, ma'am, I car dance, too, and as long as they don't see anyone they recognize at stop lights, they're just fine ;).

[Melanie]

Domo Arigato

[chaotic joy]

Lovely. Lovely. Post. Opera and bad dancing are regular parts of our life here as well.

[Big Mama]

If not saying totally is one of the rules, then I'm totally going to have a problem with that.

And I expect some operatic singing in North Carolina.

[Candace (Mama Mia)]

I died laughing when I read that you were doing the robot!! I do car dancing too- but mines more of the "throw your hands in the air like you just don't care" kind of dancing. My oldest is almost 5 and it already embarrasses him :).

[Michelle]

I also dance and sing loudly in the car. My 12 yr old is NOT amused! It hit me yesterday that he is going to be 13 before this year is over, and I cried, and cried, and cried some more. I should be ready to accept it in another 5 years or so!