Wilderness

This post was originally published on February 22, 2006.

Three and a half years ago, I began having panic attacks.  And by panic attacks, I don't mean brief moments of anxiety, I mean hours of debilitating, paralyzing fear.  After a few hours it would subside, leaving me spent and overcome with despair for an hour or two, and the cycle would begin again.

The strange thing was that there was no good "reason" this was happening to me.  I had a happy marriage, healthy children, a lovely home--by everyone else's standards, my life was charmed.  I had always been the girl with her act together--others came to me when things got rocky.  How could I possibly be the one going off the edge?

But I was.  Dramatically and suddenly, I was falling off the edge.   Things became so dark I could no longer care for my children--my mother had to come and help us manage.  My husband was a rock, but even his unwavering support wasn't enough to rescue me.  I spent my days huddled in a ball of anguish, feeling the waves of despair and panic wash over me, again and again.  I wanted, with all my heart, to die, and I thought about it constantly.  And to anyone who would listen, I would say, "This shouldn't be happening to me.  There's no reason for me to feel like this," as though if I said it often enough, it would all go away.

You see, I knew, as a Christian, that hard times would come.  I was prepared for that.  But these were supposed to be hard times that happened outside of me.  When the trials came, I thought  I should be able to retreat into my heart, my mind, the "safe place" where God offered comfort.  But this time, my heart and my mind were the war zones.  To retreat into them was only to be lost further. 

In the middle of this, a light switched on for me during a conversation with my brother.  I shared all this with him, wondering aloud where God was, and why I was left to wallow in my own despair.  And my brother said something that stopped me in my tracks:  "Sis, He's the God of the wilderness too."

Yes.  The God of the wilderness.  The God who brought his people, the Israelites, out of slavery and allowed them to wander aimlessly for 40 years in the most barren land imagineable.  Not because He was cruel, or mistaken, or inept--but because there are lessons that can only be learned in the wilderness. 

I stayed up late that night reading about the Israelites and their dark places.  The story that jumped out at me most (you can read the whole passage here in Exodus 14) was the story of their recent escape from Egypt.  The Egyptians were hot on the heels of the Israelites--their doom seemed sure.  But Moses confidently reminded them: 

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."  (v. 13-14)

So, it turned out, I was experiencing God's presence, though not in the warm and fuzzy way I expected.  It was more like a helicopter rescue.  He was the guy on the ladder, hanging on desperately to me while the waters churned below.  If He let go, it meant sure death.  But if He would just hang on to me, then maybe, maybe I could make it out of this terrible place.

And He did hang on.  As I quit fighting my time in the wilderness and instead began to look around, He gradually led me to other side.  Through a variety of means including, yes, medication, He helped me climb out of that dark pit.  And now on the other side, I see so many reasons why I had to walk through that wilderness.  In my "charmed life", would I have ever seen the things I saw in that terrible place?  Would I have had to trust God for my very next breath, my very ability to survive?  Of couse not. 

The wilderness will come again, that is sure.  Maybe not in the form of depression and panic attacks, but it will come again.  We live in a fallen world where heartbreak and tragedy are unavoidable.  But the dark places don't seem so scary to me now, and the wilderness doesn't seem so wild.  I've been there.  I learned the lay of the land.  And I saw Who was there.

Comments

[Deborah Li]

Wow. What a right time for me to read this. I've been going through tough times internally and I've been asking the same questions u did.. To see God as the God of wilderness is a new and eye-opening one. Thanks for sharing.

[Barb]

I walked through the same wilderness two years ago, Shannon. When my mother-in-law finally succumbed to cancer and my brother commited suicide six months later, my world turned dark and I could not see my way. The panic attacks and night terrors were beyond frightening.

My doctor medicated me, too. I took Zoloft and Ambien for a year. When I finally realized I had to turn it over to God, I was able to wean myself off the meds and feel peaceful without them.

I walked through the darkness,too. And I know who was holding my hand when I crawled out of it.

A wonderful post. I'm so glad you republished it.

[Pass the Torch]

Powerful post, Shannon. Powerful.

[Karla]

I've been there too (still am sometimes). I have a chemical imbalance. It's alot of fun. Not. :) I actually tried to get off of my medication (which is Effexor for me) a few months ago. Not a pretty sight. At all. Quite horrible, actually.
The wilderness. Yes, a great way to describe it.
Thanks for republishing this. It's good to be reminded that I'm not alone with this. :)

[Jenny]

One thing I will take with me from this post..."He's the God of the wilderness too". As you've said, hard times will come. When they do, I will remember that, and seek comfort in it.

[Jan]

You described the experience powerfully. I have endogenous recurring depression, which includes anxiety, depression, and panic attacks. A chemical imbalance. I have finally accepted that I must stay on my meds *all the time*, and keep hanging on to God's hand--or is He hanging on to me?

[momrn2]

When you posted this the first time, it ministered to one corner of my heart. Today, it has ministered to yet a different corner of my heart. Thanks for sharing this... again!

[Mira]

Shannon thank you for having the courage to share this. Unfortunately such journeys "into the wilderness" make us feel isolated and alone when in fact we are not. People who are willing to share their story help others find their way as well.

Blessings to you and yours.

[Carrie K.]

Thank you for sharing this.

[Susanne]

My friend also went thru this. Your stories are almost the same. But God was there in the midst of it for her too! Thanks for sharing this!

[Laura]

Thank you for posting this... I have been battling depression lately, which I wrote about on my blog not too long ago, and am trying desperately to avoid meds because of the horrible side effects that I encounter when I take them. I feel God might be telling me I need some intervention, but I'm torn between taking that step & letting Him take care of me through prayer. Your post gives me something (many things) to ponder... thanks for that.

[Diane]

What a powerful post! Thanks for sharing your walk through the desert...to the Springs of Living Waters! It is so important to find God in the Valley---He promises to be there with us...in fact, He nourished the Israelites as they wandered for so many years. What is our manna? Is it Bible verses? Is it a Dr's prescription? Is it scheduling some down time, just for you and God? We get so caught up in the busy-ness of our life--we expect a quick solution to something that God may be walking us through slowly.

When we remember how He caught us when we've fallen before--it reinforces our faith for our next struggle. Thank you for strengthening our faith this day!

Diane

[Julie (rarely-home mom)]

Thank you for your post. I've been where you were. thank you for sharing.

[Tara]

WOW........I have never left a comment before on your blog (although I read it all the time) but I just had to this time....but all I want to say is that I can identify with everything you wrote on so many levels I could write a book.....so good to hear I'm not alone. Thanks for being so open and honest.

[JD]

"He's the God of the Wildnerness, too" - oh, so true. Thank you for sharing this.

[boomama]

Shannon - first time I've read this post...and it's beautiful.

[Susan]

Oh Shannon I can relate to this post. I have had depression for over 6 years, and it started with panic attacks. I've been on medication too, and I'm just starting to cut down, very gently.
God has been with me every step of the way, even when all I could do was to hang on to the fact that I would not drown, and I would not be over come by the fire. I could not even remember the verse from Isaiah 43:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire,you will not be burned;the flames will not set you ablaze.

He is the God of the Wilderness, and the voice of one who calls from the desert.

[Melanie]

I went through that after I had my daughter. Some of what Brooke Shields explains in her book are the exact same symptoms I had. My panic attacks didn't last as long as yours. My worst ones were with hives. I still struggle with depression and anxiety and take medication. I am so glad you mentioned the meds. So many people think you can't have faith and be on anti-depressants. It is physical, just like strep throat. So, we need healing by God through the knowledge of medicine. Thanks for sharing. You never know who may have read this and found hope.

[Curious Servant]

Thank you for sharing that. As a newbie to your site it helps me to understand you.

God bless!

[Julie]

A beautiful post...again. I have muddled through depression for the last 4 years going on and off medication before finally realizing that it is probably something I will have to take for a LONG time as I have a genetic predisposition to depression. It is easy for many Christians to not understand how a believer could be depressed. And many are judgemental about medication which is sad. There are probably many women who don't seek help because they are afraid of what others will think.

[Suzanne]

II Cor. 1:3 "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God...."
Thanks for making yourself transparent in order to bring glory to God and help others who may need the same type of comfort!! bless you!

[Barbara H.]

This is the first time I have read this, as well. That line about Him being the "God of the wilderness, too" will stay with me. I've had problems with anxiety and panic attacks off and on since having some thyroid and neurological problems. One excellent resource is "Quieting a Noisy Soul" by Jim Berg (www.quietinganoisysoul.com). I've gone through the material, some sessions several times, and it's been very helpful.

I, too, appreciate your transparency. I was telling a friend recently that when we act like we don't have any problems, we're not giving others an opportunity to see how God is working in our lives and can work in theirs.

[gracie]

Powerfully written posts like this one bring the lurkers out!... so here I am... thank you for describing this familiar darkness so well.

[Joanne]

Wow, wish I'd had a wise brother remind me of that.

[Barbara H.]

I know you've quoted from Elisabeth Elliot's devotionals before -- it was interesting that, after reading this last night, I read her devotional this morning about the "wastelands." It's online at http://www.backtothebible.org/devotions/devotion.php/elliot/226

[Sherry]

Thanks. I needed to read that today.

[Stephanie]

I agree that God is the God of the wilderness. He is always there. But I don't think we have to accept the wilderness as part of our life. The Israelites went through the wilderness because they refused to see what was already theirs - The Promised Land. We will never have a perfect life here. Paul and other disciples endured much, but in Christ there was still peace and joy. That is for us too!

If I may recommend some teachings about this check out. http://www.akronvineyard.com/sermonsmain.html

In the March sermons there is a series about Exodus. I think part three talks about the wilderness, but I would recommend reading them all.

We used to go to this church before moving out of state. Jason (the pastor), also had panic attacks for years for no apparent reason. I wish I could find the sermons where he talks about them and about not having them anymore, but I couldn't remember when that was.

[AuntieB]

Thank you for re-posting this. I've fought depression. Meds didn't help me, though. I just had to let God lead me out. Good friends are esp hard to find when you're in such a depression, but over the last 6 mo I've found a good friend.

My friend and I read the same blogs just about every day. She read this post this past weekend (at the very same time she & her family were receiving rather bad news).

God told Jeremiah "Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee...". It's good to know that God knew what we would encounter through our lives and who to put there (or not) in those particularly difficult times.

I'm glad He has allowed me to help a friend with an experience that I've had myself, and help her know how He will lead you through those "wilderness" experiences.

Thanks again.

[Supermom]

Shannon, thank you so much for sharing something so personal. This was a beautiful post.

[Tammy and Parker]

Thank you for sharing your experiences again. "Going through the wilderness" is exactly how I have felt about Parker's health issues, but couldn't quite put into words.

[Shannon in Surprise, Arizona]

Thank you for sharing and for the reminder. I take medication for being BiPolar and there are times very far and between now, but there are times I have moments like you shared and I need to remember to turn to God and lean on Him to get me through with the tools He has left. And Exodus 14 is a good one to remind you too.....

[Chappyswife]

Shannon, I can relate to some of your struggles. How selfless of you to share your story. Glad you are doing better. Thanks.

[Linda]

Shannon,
Your post goes right straight to my heart. In recent months I have been where you were, but my dark place was all around me. It has threatened everyone I hold dear. God has put me in a place where it is Him and Him alone. At first I ran from Him - angry and disappointed that He hadn't answered my prayers for deliverance from this nightmare. It wasn't until I came back to the only place of true safety that I found a measure of peace I didn't think possible. I was forced to decide whether I truly believed what I had professed to believe nearly all my life - or if it was all just a lie. I either trusted Him or gave in to dispair. He is good, and He is faithful, and I believe with all my heart that He will work all things together for good. Yes, the hard times come, but He is always who He said He was.

[dcrmom]

WOW. Thank you for sharing that. I had my own wilderness experience earlier this year, and it is something I wouldn't trade b/c I learned so much, but it sure isn't fun when you're in the midst of it, is it?

[Kari]

So very, very true. Thank you for sharing your story. What a blessing it is to be used of God by our stories, isn't it? By the looks of your comments, He's been using you mightily!

In Christ alone,
Kari

Healed Waters: homeschoolblogger.com/addmama

blog team, ChristianWomenOnline.net

[Deanna]

mmmmm wow!
that's about all I can say on this one
you've encouraged me...greatly
Our God IS faithful
thank you