Are These Things Really Coming Out Of My Mouth?

Motherhood has taught me many things, chief among them that you can't take anything for granted.

And you probably think I mean that in the really sweet Hallmarkian way of "oh-you-divine-child-I-will-never-take-you-for-granted."

Yeah.  Sweet thought.  Not what I'm talking about, though.

What I mean is the baffling phenomenon of raising children in which you hear yourself, the parent, having to expound on the most common-sense notions, because if you did not, your oh-so-divine child would flub the whole thing.

For example, just the other day I heard myself say the following sentence:

"Joseph, go take a shower AND USE SHAMPOO."

One would think that using shampoo should be implied in taking a shower, wouldn't one?  But then, one hasn't met my boys. 

Here are a few other this-should-be-obvious sentences I find myself saying:

"Boys, go brush your teeth AND USE TOOTHPASTE."

-or-

"Adam, go wake up your sister, BUT SWEETLY, PLEASE--DO NOT JUMP ON HER BED AND YELL IN HER EAR."

-or-

"Please eat your dinner, AND CHEW THE BITES AND SWALLOW THEM AND DO NOT SPIT THEM BACK ON YOUR PLATE."

-or-

"Please go hang that shirt back up AND ACTUALLY GET THE SHIRT ON THE HANGER AND THE HANGER ON THE SILVER BAR IN YOUR CLOSET.

See?  I can't take any of it for granted.  Much of the time I think my children are brilliant little creatures with an infinite amount of promise, but there are moments when I wonder if the follow-through mechanism in their brains is hopelessly stuck.  Please tell me this isn't a phenomenon unique to my children.  What ridiculously obvious things do you find yourself saying?

Comments

[Melanie]

"Get ready. It's time to go. And I don't mean later, I mean NOW it is time to go. OUT THE DOOR."

[Sarah Joy]

It's naptime. Lay down, yes with your head on the pillow, and nothing in your hands. Relax the body; you look like you are about to explode out of the bed. Close your eyes. No talking to your sisters. No communicating in any way with your sisters.

(While playing) Your sister can touch the floor is she wants to. It's just as much her floor as it is yours.

When you change your underwear, you take the old underwear OFF.

[Sue]

I can't think of any right now, because if I leave my happy place and think of any of the ten million things I had to tell my children today, there is a very strong possibility that my head will explode.

But I totally get this. You have no idea.

[Ashleigh]

And I thought it was just because my oldest is a toddler that I give instructions this way...

"Please hand Mommy that toy and DO NOT THROW IT AT BABY BROTHER."

"Yes, you can give baby a hug, BUT DON'T SQUEEZE HIS NECK."

I guess it doesn't lessen as their understanding grows?

[Sarah]

"Get dressed...get dressed...get dressed...get dressed..." (first sweetly, then through gritted teeth, then growling, then shouted in big scary booming voice)

then..."Mummy's sorry for shouting...but pllleeeeaaassseeee just.get.dressed!"

Oh and...

"please don't put a cushion over your sister's face and then sit on it"

Daughter: "why??"

*sigh*

[Alice]

Brush your teeth. Brush them. Don't just hold the toothbrush in your mouth. Move it around on your teeth. Spit. Spit. SPIT! Rinse. Spit. SPIT!

[Liz]

We have to tell ~K~ "Wash your hair and don't use ALL OF THE SHAMPOO"

[Andrea Payne]

My favorite, My oldest daughter was about 12 when she was asked to put the new light bulb in the fridge at church. A couple of days later when someone went back to the fridge, they wondered why it was so dark. They found the light bulb sitting on the shelf in the fridge. My daughters response, You didn't tell me to change the light bulb.

My son tried to tell me one day he could take a shower with out water..So now the instructions are - Go take a shower and turn the water on, get in, get wet, use soap and shampoo, rinse and then you can get out.....

[Stephanie]

Here's one I've actually had to use quite a bit with Twin #1: "Take you pajamas OFF and THEN put your clothes on." If I just said "Go get dressed" it never occurred to him NOT to take the pajamas off first. He just put his clothes on over them. And he's an "A" student. Go figure.

[maria]

As a mom of boys, I shudder at the number of times I have asked "Do you have underwear on?"

[karen]

Isn't that the truth? My son didn't want to "bother" me with the fact that he had run out of shampoo so he spent a couple of weeks just kind of running his hand over his head in the shower. Argh.

[Elizabeth]

Yep, I learned that from my mother, who always had to ask my brother if he had used his toothbrush, toothpaste, a washcloth, running water, etc. Friend-I-Live-With thought this was so odd the first few times he heard me roll through that line of questioning, but now he does it, too!

[stacy]

"Bear go put your clean underwear ( or whatever ) IN the drawer" If I am not specific he just puts his now clean clothes back in the hamper.

[Kim]

It sounds like you are at my house. I STILL cannot tell my 16 yr. old to wash her clothes- I have to say "wash your clothes, then put them in the dryer and TURN IT ON!" and that cleaning her shower does not mean just pulling the shower curtain across the tub to hide it! *sigh*
I am sorry to say that it does not get better as they get older. I think it is all a conspiracy to drive us parents crazy!

[Kasi @ ReynoldsRap]

Oh My Goodness! I'm so glad to hear all of this! DH and I were getting worried about our 12 y/o. I have to say:

"Go take a shower, use shampoo, rinse, use shampoo again, rinse." Then I have to call him back to pick up his clothes!

I also have to say:

"Take out the trash, get the full bag out, put a new bag in, shut the pantry door, on your way outside shut the door behind you, when you come back in, take off your shoes and shut the door"

I'm glad to know it's not just us ;)

[JanMary, N Ireland]

Let's just say - you are not alone!!! I usually just talk to myself now, then at least I know SOMEONE is listening :)

[Emily]

Oh yes, this happens often here too.

[Llama Momma]

Don't forget to flush!

[Antique Mommy]

Me: (picking coat up from closet floor) Sean, I told you to go put your coat in your closet.

Sean: But you didn't "say" to "hang it up".

I have no idea how he speaks in quotes, but he does.

Nothing is implicit these days.

[Jennifer]

Please put your clothes away and this time make certain they get IN your dresser and not left on the floor in front of it. I'd like to think I didn't fold them all for nothing.
Smiles!

[Katie]

Everytime I say to my middle son, "You didn't use shampoo this morning, did you?" He always asks, "How did you know?" in complete amazement.
Finally his little sister informed him, "She can smell the shampoo in your hair!"

[Angie]

Did you flush the toilet? Did you wash your hands? Did you use SOAP?

And my personal favorite, "No, we can't put your baby brother in the microwave and see how long it takes to cook him."

[Melissa Markham]

Please go wake up your sister...GENTLY.

Put on your shoes AFTER YOU PUT ON YOUR SOCKS.

Put these toys away AND THAT MEANS ON THE SHELF OR IN THE DRAWER, NOT ON THE FLOOR.

Yep, you are definitely not alone!

[tas]

"go have a shower, and use soap in all the places"
"no mom, i'm fine"
"GO HAVE A SHOWER, WITH SOAP! YOU STINK!!"

[Meg]

Brush your hair, all of your hair, even
THE BACK!
Wash your hands, and USE SOAP.
Put the dirty clothes in the hamper, NOT THE CLEAN CLOTHES.
Go potty and FLUSH THE TOILET.

[Dawn]

I am about to purchase a white board for this one, so I can illustrate things like football plays, you know?

I think your post may have convinced me.

[Teri]

"Son, you have to lift both the lid & the seat when you pee. Not when you have to have a bowel movement. Then it's just the lid!"
My person favorite: "ANDREW!! You & your friends can not give your little sister a dollar to be a moving target when you have your paint guns out!", "KIRSTEN!! You are going to be bruised beyond belief! I don't care if it is a dollar each!"

No, you're not unique. Over the years I have caught myself saying many, many things I never thought I would.

[The Thrifty Blogger]

Get in the car please. Don't play in the snow, mud puddle, _______. You'll be all wet! Stop writing on the window and get in the car please! Into your booster seat please. Not the front seat please! Turn around. Legs in front. Legs straight out in front. Put toy down until your seatbelt is on. Sit back. Kiss cheek!

We're almost there! Put your shoes back on. Where are your socks?? Find your socks and put your socks on first. We're there! Come on, it's cold out! Put your shoes on. Wrong foot. Hold on, I'll do it for you. Next time, leave your shoes on please.

[Jodi W]

it's exhausting

[Amanda]

Go put these clothes in the hamper, not the trash can, the hamper for dirty clothes by the washing machine.

I've pulled more dirty socks out of the trash than you would believe.

[Melinda]

How about "We're here, the car has stopped, unbuckle and get out!"?

[Rachel May]

Oh, yes.... it's amazing the number of times I've simply stared at my son, blinking, mouth somewhat agape, trying to figure out WHY, exactly, he has to be TOLD XYZ.

He just tilts his head, and stares and blinks back at me.

Shoulda got a dog -- they're cheaper. (JUST KIDDING!) :)

[Edi]

My 8 yr old recently told me she wanted to be more independent and would I please NOT keep reminding her of the obvious.

So I've tried to back off on reminding her to wash her hands when we've come back from town and telling her what to do before bed.

It's not so much a reminder - but they'll just kind of dawdle around if I don't say "ok go do such and such and then to bed."

[Kelly]

This post was absolutely great!! Made me laugh, too.

I have tons of those types of things I have to say to my, only I can't remember any of them at this moment (pregnancy brain).

[TracyMichele]

I kid you not, this spilled out of my mouth just yesterday..

"Son, please do not lick your sister's face."

[voni]

Haw Haw....."go take a shower AND USE SHAMPOO." I use that one on e my son all the time along with: Is that the shirt you were wearing yesterday...did you wear that to bed too? Are your underwear clean? If you just took a shower why does your hair feel dry?!!

[TracyMichele]

I kid you not, this spilled out of my mouth just yesterday..

"Son, please do not lick your sister's face."

[Aunt Murry]

Oh the things I say...I turned into my mother about 10 years ago.

Five of Five was found in the dog kennel just this past weekend. "Five, please get out of the kennel." I think he is practicing for jail.

[Veronica Mitchell]

My sister laughed one day because while I was on the phone with her she heard me say to my daughter, "Put your pants on. Put your pants on OVER YOUR BOTTOM. PUT THEM ON AND KEEP THEM ON."

[Jean Stockdale]

Welcome to the wonderful world of mothering. You have about 20 years per kid to invest in creating a adult child who can move out into the adult world and live well. It is a long and daunting task and it is not for sissies! Thanks for your transparency. Blessings.

[fullheartandhands mama]

Last night, I had to tell my daughter that we don't take a bath in our clothes. She actually stood in the tub partially clad. Though, now that I think about it, maybe this would cut down on my laundry pile. Hmmmm.

[Jessica]

I think I am mostly saying these things to my HUSBAND! Not my son, at least not yet. He's only 2. I know I have a lot to look forward to! :)

[Teresa]

My pre-teen daughters, for some reason, were the worst about this. Arriving at the store, I had to say, "Now walk in the door. All the way through the door. Keep walking. Keep walking. People are piling up behind you." Now, at ages 18 and 15, this is no longer a problem. I have no trouble getting them to walk into a store. Now it's time to leave...

[hogphan]

I've believed for a long time that when we give a kid some instruction, they think it only applies while the sound is in the air. Once the sound is not hearable, the instruction no longer applies, therefore needn't be followed!

[Crista]

Have you ever read Bringing Up Boys by Dr. Dobson? He mentions that with boys and giving directions, you have to be VERY specific, telling them every detail of what you want them to do. It made me feel so much better, because I can't just tell my boys to clean up their room, I have to go up and point out all that needs to be cleaned and where things go. I can't just tell them to shower. I have to mention that the toilet needs to be flushed, their pajamas need to be put away, their towel needs to be hung up, they need to wash with soap, and comb their hair afterwards, etc.... It is definitely not unique to your boys alone.
Crista

[Mrs. Who]

I'm glad so many others had sons that did not use shampoo. It used to drive me crazy!! Finally, I resorted to smelling his head every time he got out of the shower. He's 25. I don't do that anymore.

[A&EMom]

E, stop salting your sister!

[Dawn @ Baby Addiction]

I have two adolescent bonus daughters, so some of my redundant requests include:

"We are leaving the house right now, so please put on your coat AND your shoes and do not wait around in the kitchen until I am ready and you are making me late."

"Please tell your sister it is dinner time and do NOT yell for her from the bottom of the stairs because I could do that myself and wouldn't need to ask you for this favor if that is how I wanted this done."

"Stop bothering your sister, which means DON'T even look in her direction."

"Please leave the bathroom exactly as you found it before your shower, which means the shower curtain is closed, the towels are hanging on their towel bars, the bath mat is drying on the side of the tub, there is no toothpaste in the sink or on the mirror, and there is more than one sheet of toilet paper available."

I'm sure I could think of more...

[Beckie]

Sean put your clothes away neatly in your drawers. Then shut the drawers. Please do not unfold it before you put it away.(He's 13)

Matthew, when I asked you to clean up around your bed that includes under and beside it as well. (He's 8)

Sean, put the hot pan with egg on it back on the stove. I can't tell if the egg is bad in the dark hallway.

Yikes.

[seized by hope]

For my 12 year old son....

"Take a shower and wash your hair...and get your hair WET!"

For my 16 year old daughter...

"Clean up your room, including the clothes on the floor...and the clothes on the floor in YOUR CLOSET too."

You are not alone!

[Jeni]

I just have a toddler, but I have told her things like:

Don't bite the kitty. (yesterday)

Come here. Come here. Come here come here, Wendy, come here...(until I start to sound like Bill Cosby)

[Karen @ Simply A Musing Blog]

Please put these clothes I have folded away - NOT ON THE FLOOR OF YOUR ROOM, BUT IN YOUR DRESSER DRAWERS.

Go take your bath now - AND USE SOME SOAP.

Son, please stop using your daddy's pants and GO GET A TISSUE.

[brittany]

When my boys were toddlers I was on the phone when they were using hangers as weapons. My childless friend teases me to this day (4 years later) for saying "Son, a hanger is not a bow & arrow...It's just not!"

[Jean]

It's just wonderful to find a community of mothers and children who do and say the exact thing.
I'm right there on telling the oldest to shower and use shampoo, and not the whole bottle.
He's also gotten in a mode where he just wants to go to bed in his clothes and shoes!? He says he's quite comfortable. Boys...

[jenny]

You are so not alone! Look at all these hilarious things we mothers say on a day to day basis! Some of my most common ones? "When I tell you to put your clothes away, I don't mean lay them on your bedroom floor." and this one... "Get your things for school and get in the van. Um, your backpack (or lunch box, or coat, or...) is still sitting here. Don't you need it?!" Oh, it is exhausting!

[Gettysburg Mom]

"Please do not get into a screaming did not- did too match with your sister next to the sleeping baby..."

[Gina]

Along with all the "use soap/shampoo" ones:

"If the back of your head isn't even wet, then NO, you did NOT wash your hair!"

[Gretchen]

LOL! I was just asking ds--11 if he had washed his hair. To which he replied, bending over, "Yeah, I did. Smell.".

Glad I'm not the only Hallmarkarian mother out there. ;)

[NancyB]

Every morning.....have you brushed your teeth? Did you pick up your towel? Is your bed made? Get your shoes on. Get your backpack. You need a coat, it's cold......My kids are in 9th grade and 6th grade. You'd think after we've had thousands of school days that they would know what to do each morning! But, it NEVER fails that if I don't ask questions or tell them what to do, there's no way we'd make it out the door on time!

[kelli in the mirror]

I can remember my mom telling me to go take a bath and GET ALL THE WAY WET because I would sit in the water and wash my legs and then try to get out with dry shoulders. :)

[Jill]

You've made my day! I thought I was doing something wrong since I always have to check to see if my son has used shampoo and toothpaste. I'm not alone, yeah!!

[Ericka]

Oh my gosh, I thought I was the ONLY ONE who has said the EXACT same things to my boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nicki]

It's all in the details. My biggest is: "Take this downstairs and put it away. Where it belongs, don't just throw it in the doorway of the playroom!" They make me crazy sometimes.

[ttlyeightmom]

Lol Thats so funny just yesterday I discovered my number 3 punk has not been washing his hair with soap only water for 3 days! arghh!
The funniest Mom Line I ever heard though was my Mom's friend in mid convo with my Mom saying to her little girl "No you cannot have a cookie and go take my bra off right now!!!!!"

[Dena]

My personal favorite:

"Please don't lick the car windows."

[Missy]

Last night at dinner it was "Pancakes do not go on your head. They are for eating, they are not hats."

Of course the pancake was covered in syrup, which dripped all through my son's hair and down his face. And he had the biggest grin on his face. It was so hard not to laugh...

[Ranelle]

To my 21 month old son, I say at bedtime, "Lay down, don't get up, and don't kick the wall."

Just two years ago I was telling my then-9 year old daughter the same thing you tell your boys, "Do not just stand in the shower with the water running! USE SHAMPOO AND SOAP! SCRUB YOUR BODY AND YOUR HAIR!" I thought I was the only one facing these hygiene battles.

I have also said, "Sam! Don't hit your sister in the head with the toilet seat!"

To the three year old, "Please sit down in your seat so I can buckle you in and we can LEAVE!"

[Alli]

My personal favorite, said on the way to school, "You did put on underwear, right?" And, sadly, yes, we have had to turn around and run back home!!

[Melissa]

I'm so glad I'm not the only one that has to tell in explicit directions how to get things done. Who would have thought you would have to tell your little one to wash their hands AND USE SOAP!!

[Kathy]

Did you comb your hair? TODAY??? (He loves to find loopholes).

[Emily]

OH this is so good...I've had to explain to everyone at work why I'm laughing out loud. There sure is more to parenting than I ever thought...you guys are giving me good info for the future when I have little ones.

[Not the Queen]

Wash your hands AND USE SOAP!

Go potty and MAKE SURE YOU WIPE!

You peed your pants? CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!

[Tara]

"You have to eat EVERY day, more than once a day" (in response to my 5 year old son saying "I don't want to eat supper, I ate yesterday!"). "Go pee IN the toilet, not around the toilet and not in the garbage can beside the toilet". "Don't put dirty underwear in your mouth". "Go put CLEAN underwear on, from your drawer, not from the floor or from the diry laundry."

[Autumn Dahlia]

Response to, "does this go in the recycling?"

"Yes, it goes in the recycling. Not the paper bag, that's paper recycling. Go to the back of the basement door (which you walk past 85 times a day) and put the cans in the bag. If the bag is full, tie off the bag, put it in the bin, take a bag from the bag holder (right next to the hanger) and put the new bag up on the hook."

And I know it sounds painstaking.... and I would think so too, if this wasn't the 40th time to have this conversation.

[Auburn Gal Always]

"Don't lick your brother." Said in line at the service desk at Target

"Don't sit on your brother." Said at home when I found her sitting on him.

(Her brother is almost 1.) (She's almost 7.)

[Holly]

Currently heard in our house:

Only poop, pee and toilet paper go in the potty. Nothing else.

[mimi]

"Are those CLEAN socks?"

[Alice]

I'm a pediatrician and you would not believe (well maybe you would believe) the number of boys I see who forgot their underwear that day. I also saw a 16 yr old yesterday who when I asked her to unzip her sweatshirt jacket so I could listen to her lungs was totally mortified as she had "forgot" her shirt! Her excuse was that she "was in a really big hurry". :)

[Elizabeth]

When does this explaining end? Because so far in my experience, it's just the subject matter that changes.

[Michelle]

I am SO glad that it isn't just me!! If I don't remind my just turned 11 yr old son to "use shampoo on your hair and soap on your body" he doesn't! Or, "take out the trash and make sure the bag gets inside the dumpster, not on the ground!" You gotta love boys!

[Amy]

"Mommy is driving the car."

I swear my kids must think the car drives itself. They are forever asking me to read them a book, grab a dropped toy, re-fill a sippy cup...the list is endless. For some reason, my two preschoolers cannot grasp the concept that I am ACTUALLY DRIVING the car and cannot meet their every need immediately. Patience is a virtue that must be re-taught each and every day - or at least each and every car trip.

[Nancy]

Over the break we went to Grandma's house, an hour away, and got home after midnight. We had stopped to get milk at the Walmart and I asked my 18 year old DS to please bring it in while I got the 9 year old DD up to bed. You guessed it, the next morning DH found ALL FOUR GALLONS of milk ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER. Obviously, I did not say, "Put the milk in the REFRIGERATOR." He is a brilliant Senior in High School taking all AP classes. sigh.

[Laura]

My husband began referring to our oldest daughter when she only managed to do things part of the way as "Half-way Hazel". Here is a normal conversation in our house: "Whomever, did you clean Whatever assigned?" "Yes" is always the answer. "Did you clean it MY clean or Your clean?" That usually sends them packing for another round - or two.

[Nancy]

My thoughts about this whole situation are that children are excellent loophole finders and are really just trying their best to get out of doing anything at all. The older they get, the better at avoidance they become. I was so good at this that my Dad used to tell me I was going to be an attorney. It sharpens the negotiating and persuasive argument skills you know.

[Melissa]

"No, underwear do not go on your head" - said to my 14-month-old daughter while she was "helping" me fold clean laundry last week.

:-)

[jennielynn]

To my thirteen year old daughter:
"Did you wash your face? With Soap?"
"When you sweep the kitchen, could you please sweep under the kitchen table as well?"
"No, you may not date. Because you are 13. I don't care if the entire world is copulating in a writhing mass on your school lawn, you still can't date. "

[Marian]

My personal fave, and not just a one-time occurance either:
THE SHOWER CURTAIN IS NOT THERE FOR WIPING YOUR BOTTOM.

[Debbie]

Sounds like my house just this morning. I would almost think there is a bug planted here some where. :) I better go check just.
The Real World Martha(S)

[Anne]

Not exactly the same but similar! Let me set the stage for you.

Daughter (age 4): Natalie
Son (age 21 months): Levi

Me: "Natalie leave Levi alone!"

Say that one ten times fast! :)

[aimee]

Did you ever have that assignment in speech class where you had to teach the class how to do something assuming they were all from Mars? Little did I know in 10th grade that it was really a parenting lesson!

[dana]

When grandpa told you in church to stick your gum behind your ear...he really didn't mean it :)

[Stacey]

I think there must be an echo because I hear that around my house, too :o)

[Caryn]

"Okay, knock it off!"

What I obviously mean is... I am respectfully requesting that you immediately cease the obnoxious behavior you are enacting at this moment. Do you really need me to be any more clear?

[Susan G.]

I feel much better about my children.

A couple from my house:

"Get dressed and CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR!"
"Take your toes out of your mouth!"

[jackie]

"Stop licking the Barney DVD!"

[Donna]

TOTALLY relating to this one...it's ALL gotta be spelled out! I can't just say "clean up the floor of your bathroom"...I have to identify all the things ON the bathroom floor that SHOULD be picked up! Hello?? Does last night's PJ top belong on the bathroom floor?

[Sherry]

Don't forget the all time favorite...
"Wash your hands WITH SOAP!"

[Judi]

This was my conversation last night with my five year old.

Me: Logan, stop touching mama's boobs.
Logan: But you grew me in your belly.

How is that his response??? Crazy.

[Dawn]

Go wash your hands and USE SOAP!

[Teresa]

My son is supposed to clean the schoolroom each morning. But of course I would go upstairs to find paper, pencils, crayons, etc. in plain sight all over the floor. His explanation was always, "Well, it's almost clean!" I cured him of this habit one day. I served his half-cooked lunch on his dirty breakfast dishes. Now he knows that if the job isn't done properly, he will receive food that I have "almost cooked" on dishes I have "almost washed."