Every Single Stinkin' Thing I Ever Learned About Potty Training

I am past my days of potty training.

(Let me just say that again, and this time I'll sing it and do a little jig.)

I AM PAST MY DAYS OF POTTY TRAINING.

Before these days get any further behind me, I thought I should write down everything I learned about this most glamorous parenting task.  If nothing else, I want to be able to show it to my own children when they come to me 20 years from now, frustrated that little Shannon Junior isn't complying with their potty demands.  I will give them a gentle hug, point them to this post, and then walk away, smirking (just an bit) when I think of all the carpet cleaning bills I've paid over the last decade.

But I also want to write this down because I remember how hard a job it is.  Potty training can be overwhelming, and even when it's going well, there are setbacks.  If YOU are a potty training momma, then Honey, you just get yourself a Diet Coke and come sit next to me.  Let me tell you what I've learned.

1.  Don't do it until they're ready.

Every resource on this subject is in agreement: wait until they're ready.  The trick is in defining "ready".  I'm in the camp that thinks "ready" means they are fully communicative, initiating interest, understanding of cause-and-effect, and willing.  In fact, only partly in jest, I decided I wouldn't potty train my last child until she ASKED me to.  And you know what?  She basically did.  Just after her third birthday.  No months of tears and pleading and anxiety.  Just...done.

I know some parents are eager to get going on the process because diapers are so much trouble.  But I will assure you that months upon months of accidents and tears and frustration are way more trouble than diapers.  This isn't a race.  If your child is potty trained at 18 months, you don't get a medal.  Further, pushing a child before he's ready will lead to starts and stops in the process, and this just sends him a confusing message.  He wonders if you're really serious about all this pee-pee business.  Which leads me to my next point...

2.  Don't do it until YOU'RE ready.

This is a big committment of your time, energy and sanity.  Gear up for it.  Look ahead at your calendar and block off some time for it.  And DON'T START IT UNTIL YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE READY TO FINISH IT.  Be absolutely certain of your child's readiness, and then be done.  Again, false starts are very confusing to a toddler.

3. Treat them like big kids. 

I recently saw a mom lean down to her little two-year-old and say (in her best baby voice) "Wittle sweetie want to go poo-poo on da potty?"  That seems a little counter-productive to me. 

Potty training is about more than just using the potty--it's a big milestone in a child's life.  Use this as a chance to celebrate their growing up.  Very often when you treat a child as if he's older, he'll start acting as if he's older.

As part of your training, encourage your child to do as much as they can for themselves.  A three year old can wipe herself, pull up her pants, and wash her hands (with supervision, of course).  This is a great chance to encourage independence.

4.  The specifics are up to you.

There are a dozens of "systems" out there to help you train your kid.  Some of them make more sense than others.  Don't get suckered in to thinking that you MUST try such-and-such method because it ALWAYS works.  It's just not that simple.  Educate yourself on the various methods, and find one that best fits with your parenting style.  Let me say this just as clearly as I can:  as with most parenting issues, there is seldom a "one-size-fits-all" approach.  Every child, every family, every situation has specific things to consider.  Look critically at any particular potty-training "system", and make a choice that suits your entire family. 

For what it's worth, around here we just took the naked-from-the-waist-down approach.  We let them run around like that all day (usually when it was warm outside--thank goodness for privacy fences).  Especially with boys, I think that having that visual is helpful:  "Let's see, I'm feeling a sensation and then, woop!  Lookie there..."

5.  Keep it positive.

Of course, if you can keep things lighthearted and funny, your kids are less likely to feel anxious.  I made up a ridiculous "tinkle dance" that I would perform only when my daughter had a success.  I looked like an idiot, but she and I laughed together heartily.  It was a good reward for her, and it was good stress relief for me. 

That said, I don't think it's wrong to use some gentle but matter-of-fact observations to urge them along, especially with older toddlers.  In our house, when potty training time came close, I stopped calling them "diapers" and started referring to them as "little diapers".  There was no mocking, no disdain, just matter-of-factly:  "Honey, come here so we can put on your little diaper."  It proved to be a good verbal cue for them that diapers are for little kids, undies are for big ones.  It seemed to be an effective way for them to ingest the lesson without my harping on it.

6.  Don't sweat the nighttime potty training.

It's a different creature altogether.  I've read that a child will take six months longer to stay dry at night.  In my experience, that number is low.  Plan for a year, don't panic if it's two, and be pleasantly surprised if it's less.

7.  What about regressions?  Or really stubborn kids?

This is the worst, and it happened to me.  My second child seemed ready at a young age (right at 2).  I jumped at the chance, seemed to be making great headway, and then suddenly he regressed right back to the beginning of the process.  In my case, I think we had simply jumped the gun too early.  We stopped, went back to diapers, and then tried again closer to his 3rd birthday.  Then?  It was a non-event.

As for the stubborn kid, I had one of these too.  It's not the end of the world.  If your child is over three and isn't yet trained, take a deep breath.  She is old enough that, chances are, she's going to start feeling the social pressure from her little potty-trained peers soon.  (If she doesn't have potty-trained peers, FIND SOME.  Schedule a play date with a pottying friend, and when you see the friend dash off to the bathroom with her mom, applaud that little potty-er!  Your child will pick up on your praise, and she'll want it for herself.) 

And, along the theme of using potty-training as a chance to celebrate growing up and independence, here's another great idea:  find a special "big kid" privilege (non-potty-related) and tell your kid your saving it for the day when he's BIG!  For example, you could choose chewing gum, or being able to drink a soda at a restaurant, or getting a bicycle with training wheels, or watching a certain "special" cartoon--whatever it is, communicate to your child that "This is a special big-kid privilege.  When you're going to the potty like a big boy, you will also get to [insert special treat here]."  Creating milestones is a good thing! 

8.  Don't compare yourself--or your kid--to others.

I cannot stress this enough.  Maybe your cousin's plumber's next-door neighbor had a child who could use the potty at 11 months.  Good for them.  You have absolutely no idea what their circumstances are, and there are a million factors to consider.  Maybe they are an unusually compliant kid, or an especially communicative one.  Maybe they have older siblings they're trying to emulate.  Maybe the mom has some extra help.  Maybe little green martians came down from Mars and implanted a potty-training chip in the child's brain.  (Hee.  Just wondering if you were still reading.)

You're the mom of your child.  That's the one that is your responsibility.  No one else's particular set of circumstances matter--only yours.  Use this as a chance to build your child up, both to his face and behind his back.  If your mother-in-law or your best friend are giving you grief for pottying issues, just smile and say firmly, "You know what?  He's a great kid, and a smart one.  He'll get this when he's ready.  I believe in him."  No one can really argue with that. 

9.  Limit the use of disposable training pants.

Sometimes you will have to use them--there's just no way around it.  But while you're in the middle of training, steer away from them as best you can.  They look and feel too much like diapers, and that's bound be to be confusing to a toddler.  If you must leave the house--if you can possibly bear the thought--pack an extra change of clothes and just be prepared for wet pants!  A grocery-store accident actually might be a real motivator for your child, if they want to avoid that in the future.   

10.  (And I almost forgot this one, but many thanks to Stretch Mark Mama for reminding me) I'm not a fan of the potty chair.

My advice?  Go straight for the big potty and skip the potty chairs altogether.  Little potty chairs are cute, but they aren't real potties.  And if your little guy only uses a potty chair but REFUSES the real deal, then that means you cannot leave your house.  And I am a fan of leaving the house.   

The bottom line is that they really WILL get it.  And I know, it drove me nuts when older moms would say, "Oh, don't worry about it.  You never see a kindergartener in diapers."  I just growled inwardly and knew that, oh yes, MY kindergartener very likely WOULD be in diapers.

But the reason you hear that from moms is that it's true.  It's hard to believe when you're in the hardest part, but they really will get it.  If you've been at it for weeks and weeks with little success and constant setbacks, then maybe it's just not your time.  Better to pack it away and make a fresh start in a few months, rather than creating endless battles with your child and make yourself crazy.

Go easy on yourself.  Your kid can do this.  You can do this.

Comments

[Janna]

I wish I had read this 6 months ago!!! My daughter figured out the pee pee process relatively quickly. Poopy was a whole different matter. We just had our "Potty Party" at Chuck E Cheese with her cousins and she is so proud of being a "big girl." It just "clicked" one day and it was so stressful b/c of the pressure I was putting on myself and her. I am going to remember this blog if I ever have any more children. :)

[Jen]

YES! Thank you, THANK YOU! I needed this post to get back my sense of humor for my eager-to-potty-train, almost-2-year-old, daycared-daughter. Again, THANK YOU!!! I'm linking this post on my blog. :)

[Katrina (Callapidder Days)]

Thanks for this. My two-year-old is not ready and I, remembering my first time through this process, am definitely not ready! I'm going to bookmark your post and refer back to it when we are closer to "ready." :)

[Leigh]

WOw, that's awesome....I'm glad someone finally said it because a lot of what you posted is what I've been saying but people look at me crazy. Like it's ok to pressure your kids. My daughter is 2 1/2 and somewhat ready but super stubborn, so if she has a bad/dramatic/whiny day then I sometimes have to put a pull up on her. I also have a 2 month old though, so I'm kinda busy feeding. I've been feeling so pressured since she seems ready. But she went on the potty for a day and hasn't wanted to since. She just pees everywhere else. Thanks so much for this, it's really helpful.

[Shannon]

I am excited to say that I am more than halfway done with potty training...that is, I have 5 kids and child #3 has been trained since Thursday!

I so agree with the whole 'wait until they are ready'! If I felt my blood pressure rising, then I knew that neither of us were ready, lol. Because I waited until they were ready, potty training took a few days with #1, less than one day with #2, and two days with #3. I can only hope that boy #4 and baby girl are as easy!

[helene]

Awesome job. I just potty trained my seventh child and heartily agree with all you wrote.

[Sarah]

Thanks for re-capping this for me. It's nearly time for me to do it the second time, but it seems like it's been a very long time! I really needed your summary - thank you!

[Stretch Mark Mama]

Hey, thanks for the link love!

As I was scrubbing poop off the floor today, THAT SOMEONE HAD STEPPED IN AND DRAGGED THROUGH THE HOUSE, But This Is All Totally Unrelated...I remembered this little non-environmentally friendly tip:

Use the flushable poo-poo wipes. Oh glory, are those a Godsend to helping the kids get mostly clean, versus sorta, itchily stinkily clean. :)

[Ashley]

Amen to all of the above...Started too early with my first. Took too long and was too frustrating for both of us. With #2, I waited until he was closer to 3 and he just basically said one day he wanted to go the potty and we never looked back. With the 3rd and final (I did a happy dance too) we took the naked approach when she started asking. It took 3 days before we were completely in panties.
But you're right. It's different for everyone. Don't worry. They won't make it to college in diapers... :-)

[Lauren]

Oh, I needed this. My twins (a boy and a girl) turned two the end of June. There's a little bit of interest in the potty, but definitely not 100%, and different amounts of interest for each one. I've really been down about it the last few days, so thank you for the encouragement, especially #8!!

[jubilee]

We had a pee-pee dance too! Youngest son thought the dance was too babyish, so we just high-fived.

I didn't potty train my kids until they turned three. So many fewer accidents! I gave into peer pressure with my oldest and tried sooner, even though, looking back, I knew he wasn't ready. Why do we DO that to ourselves? After he turned three he was ready and it was less angst filled for me too.

I once worked as a nanny for a family who gave out "poop prizes." Every time the boys made a poo-poo they'd get an M&M or comparable piece of candy. I never got used to saying "poop prize." Makes me want to giggle even now.

[Susanne]

So true!! I'm in no hurry with my second (mostly because I want to wean him before he's potty trained - he's almost 3 - but that another post altogether!), and I can tell he's wanting to train himself now. It really helps when the child WANTS to go to the potty.

And I agree about the potty chair. It worked great for my daughter, but my son didn't want to use it. My advice is to buy one that can be used as a step stool...no money wasted.

And don't be upset if nighttime training takes MUCH longer than daytime. My daughter was daytime trained by the time she turned 2, but she wasn't nighttime trained completely until age 5. She sleeps so soundly that she just wouldn't wake up to go to the bathroom. Don't panic...it will happen on its own eventually. I think my pediatrician said that it's not really considered "bedwetting" until age 6 or so.

Wish the rest of us luck with the training! Happy for you! :)

[eileen]

Ladies, there were eight of us children. 3 children before me and 4 after-i remember being around 3 i guess and my dad getting me up to use the facilities. then you went back to sleep. it did not seem to be a big deal in my house-my Mom said she hardly ever got to hold the youngest because one of us had him! I remember being around 12 and taking the younger ones for walks-yes voluntarily because
they were fun. and when they were not available there were always a neighbors kids-i remember having one one my right hip and the other by the hand. sorry for all the reminesing-I love kids-cant have any but I can and do pray for all of yours-and you the parents! God Bless and keep you all in the hollow of HIS HAND.

[midlife mommy]

It was really easy for us. At around 3, our daughter wanted to pee in the potty (we bought it when she was 2, and it just sat in the bathroom). She didn't want to poop in it for another several months. It was totally a non-issue for us, because we didn't want to deal with all the accidents.

She's only had two accidents at home, and a couple at school (when she forgot to go to the bathroom before nap). Sitting on the larger toilet has never been a problem either. She's been showing me lately that this is what big girls do. We say "wonderful!" She's still in pullups at night, but she doesn't usually have accidents. They're more for us than her, I think.

I agree with you -- if you wait for the child to be ready and can close your ears to the criticism that seems to come from everywhere (including mom), things are really not very tense at all.

[Bonnie]

I'm a long ways from this (my daughter is six months old), but I'll try to remember this great advice when the time comes! You're so right about kids doing things at their own pace, so don't compare them to others. I and two friends had our babies around the same time, and it's fun to see how different all three of them are and when they each learn to do things.

[Patsy Clairmont]

Best advice on this topic I've ever read!

A tip of the lid to you for such sound counsel.

Glad you shared this before age flushed it out of your mind. (sorry...sorta)

[Natalie @ I AM (not)]

I thought I was out of the potty training age and then BOOM! another one. :)

[Colleen - Mommy Always Wins]

Awesome advice - we're just starting with boy #2 (who, at 18 months is WAAAY YOUNG but wants to do what big brother is doing so we're not going to tell him "no"!) and we hope it goes even half as well as it did with boy #1.

[Amy from Texas]

I'm soooo jealous you are done with potty training! Good advice.

[Anne]

What Shannon says is true. Read it and then read it again, especially the bit about them being ready. Chickabid was a late trainer, but the day that he bolted through the house and whipped his nappy off on the way we knew he was ready. Ladybaby was a different story. *She* spotted pretty coloured undies in the shop and insisted on having them. We said "If you get them you have to wear them" and bingo, little Miss was trained. Yes, it was that easy. No trick to it, just waiting until they're ready. They'll let you know one way or the other. And, no. They never do start kindergarten in nappies. Ever.

[Lisa]

EXCELLENT! I couldn't have written a better primer ~ We're getting ready to potty train our tenth child, and I couldn't add a thing to what you've said here. If anyone asks me, I'll refer them to you now.

[Lisa in ME]

After finally finishing up potty training my third child about a year ago I say "Amen! Amen! Amen!" I agree with it all & ALL three of my boys were very LATE potty trainers. As for that kindergarten remark...if my oldest son had started school on target (we ended up homeschooling), he would have been trained a mere THREE WEEKS before he started....yup three weeks before he turned FIVE and school started. Ahhh, the memories. ;-)

[Shawna]

All good tips to be sure.

Just a note to those moms who are discouraged about accidents in the night: I read at my last visit to our pediatrician's office that nighttime bedwetting can be attributed to a child being a heavy sleeper, a smaller bladder, or even to a hormone that a child is not producing that develops at random ages, which signals to the body to not produce urine at night.

[Kristel]

I'm waiting until my daughter (just turned 3) wants to potty-train. Grandma (who lives with us) keeps making comments about "getting her potty-trained" but I try to ignore it. I've asked my daughter if she wants to go potty on the toilet but she says "no." Love, love love your post and thanks for the reminder that I am doing what's right for her and I!

[Mar]

Oh, I remember those days. My daughter is now 13, but I can still remember her daycare center providers telling me that she was MUCH too old to not be potty trained and EVERY other child in the room was trained with only occasional accidents (occasional being about 1 per day per child, I found out later). This started on her 3rd birthday and continued for 2 months until my daughter decided she wanted to potty train and was completely trained, without any accidents during the day at all, in less than one week. A month later she was completely trained at night as well with 2 or 3 accidents during the next two years. The kids who trained early when their parents decided it was time - accidents for months afterwards and at least one of them, my friend's daughter, was wetting her bed until she was 5.

The best advice - wait until your child is ready and can handle this mostly on their own. If you have to ask your child every hour or two if they need to go, they aren't potty trained - you are.

[Margo]

I didn't even read the other comments - I just wanted to tell you, Shannon, that your post was EXACTLY what I needed to hear this afternoon. I was so discouraged because my almost-3 year old has really regressed in potty training. Your post was soooo encouraging, exactly the kind of boost and non-judgement that I needed. Thank you so much! Thank you for helping the parenting clan with your sane, kind words.

[Kmommy @ The Poopie Patrol]

I so needed to read this right now!! Thank you thank you thank you! I'm going to buy some real underpants next time I go to the store...
Both my sister and sister-in-law have girls that are a couple/few weeks younger than my son... they've been potty trained for almost a year now and I keep getting grief from them for not having started on my boy earlier...

[tchrmomto3]

Wow! Your experience is a Godsent encouragement to me. I feel so guilty about not pushing the potty training as hard as everyone else expects me to, but my just-turned-3-yo son isn't a bit interested. The only positives have come when big sister takes him to the big potty. I can tell he likes it when she brags on him and talks about him becoming a big boy. I am going to set aside a weekend to just work on potty training...until then I'll remember your encouraging words. This too shall pass...one day!

[Kathy]

In my limited experience (I think my middle child will in fact go to college in his diapers) I think this is so true!

Thanks for being a Titus 2 mom and posting it!

[Cristy]

As you can tell from the name of my blog, I definitely needed this. I'm linking to it to help other moms. Thanks for sharing your wisdom!

[Diane B]

Thank you so much for reminding us that kids are not all the same!! I had a "well meaning friend" put an article on my desk re: potty training infants starting at 3 months. My baby was 4 weeks old at the time. She attached a sticky note that said "Time to start working on this" Unbelievable.
I also had a relative who for 3 straight months would say "He still uses a bottle. My babies drank out of a cup at 9 months. They could all use a straw at 9 months." Yeah, right.

[Heather]

OK- I too think you may have an extra sense. Just 5 minutes ago I was watching my almost 4yr old wet his pants whilst on the phone with his daycare teacher discussing the pee-pants problem.
I think I may just can the whole thing and put the boy back in pampers.

[aimee]

This is great! I just sent it to my husband who is really pushing for us to potty train our son. But, I really don't think he's ready yet AND I know the bulk of the work will be on me. This really helped to affirm for me that we need to wait a bit more.

[Kate]

My oldest son will turn 4 next week, and has been daytime potty trained for a year and a half. He's still wetting heavily at night, though, and I don't know what to do about it. I was encouraged to read that you said plan on a year or two of nighttime diapers after daytime success, but I still feel like I should be doing something to help the process ... I don't want him getting up at night to go to the bathroom, as he's not trustworthy enough (I can imagine what he'd get into) -- should I be waking him up extra early or in the middle of the night to go? When did you allow your kids to get up at night to use the bathroom without worrying that they'd get into mischief? My son sleeps upstairs while we're downstairs ...

Thank you for this post!

[Annie Valentine]

This is day three with no pants. He can do everything--but wear pants. Sure we go out in public, what's a bare bum here and there? His outfit of choice? A long t-shirt borrowed from the neighbor boy, belted.

That's right, my son is being potty-trained in a kilt.