If You Give a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy a Cookie

This afternoon I was sitting with my daughter as we tried to cram for the library's summer reading program enjoy some literary stimulation. I was reading If You Give a Mouse a Cookie for the 3,722,185th time in my life, when the 13-year-old wandered in to ask me for something listen and reminisce about his sweet preschool years.

We finished reading and closed the book. My son asked if I could fix him something to eat. Of course he did, because it had been a shocking TWELVE minutes since lunch, and how could an adolescent boy possibly be expected to survive that long without food?

As I asked him what was wrong with his own two legs got up to graciously fix him something, I was inspired by the circumstances to flex my own literary muscle. Hence, this (with a sincere hat tip and apology to this).

If You Give a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy a Cookie

If you give a thirteen-year-old boy a cookie,
he's probably going to ask for some soda.

But as you are a mom who is feeling the pressure to make Positive Nutritional Choices,
you will urge him to drink milk instead.

He will shrug, and you will pour a giant glass of milk--whole milk--
and you will reflect that if you drank that much whole milk you would have hips
as wide as Tennessee.

He will finish the milk and and wipe his mouth with his shirt,
and you will not complain, because this is better than the milk moustache he normally wears.

He will set down the cup and ask if you've seen his cell phone,
and you will tell him you turned it off, because
why-oh-why must he and his friends text each other Chuck Norris jokes all day?

He will shrug, and then he will think of Chuck Norris,
and this will remind him of the movies, which will remind him of popcorn,
and he'll ask if you can fix him some.

And you say sure, because you're thinking that popcorn is a much cheaper snack
than the bacon he normally asks for.

He will jerk his head around because he somehow heard you think the word "bacon",
and you will tell him "no, you're having popcorn, remember?"

He will take the popcorn to the living room, and you will remind him
there is no longer any eating allowed in the living room
because you stayed up late picking brownie crumbs out of the carpet
after the last youth group party at your house.

And his eyes will shine and he will say, "Brownie?" and you will say, "NO."

So he will eat his popcorn instead (in the kitchen, like a good boy).
And all the salt will make him crave another glass of (whole) milk. 

But he's polished off the third gallon of (whole) milk this week,
and he must therefore hike all the way out to the garage to the nasty old back-up fridge. 

As he walks out to the garage, you will notice that you can see the bones in his hips,
and you will sadly remember that your pants get tight if you even think about cheesecake,
and you will know that good metabolism is wasted on those young enough to think that Big Macs are gourmet.

He will return from the garage with the milk, but with all that physical exertion,
chances are he's going to want a cookie and a brownie and some bacon to go with it.

(P.S. -- I just read this post to my son, and he laughed out loud. Then he said he was hungry. Then he said I should tell you that Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.)

Comments

[maren]

Love it! I just did a version of this for a post this week on my blog, too! Mine was "If you give a child a cell phone..." Yours is much funnier, though! Fun reading! Thanks! maren

[Headless Mom]

These are worth waiting for!

[AprilMay]

This is sooo hilarious! I have two of those boys. You forgot to mention him asking you when you are going to go to the store because it's been a whole day since you last went.

[Erin]

I read it to my husband. That's how good it is. :)

[[email protected]]

Amazing!!!! This is awesome!! I am going to be in SO MUCH TROUBLE when my boys are all teens! (I have 3) I am going to share this post with a few friends, love it! :)

[Amy Nelson Hannon]

Giggling out loud with my 14yr old girl. Love it, Shannon! And think - you have THREE more 13 yr old's still on the horizon!

[Pokeyann]

So what you're telling me is that it really IS going to get worse?! I have four toddlers, which means in a few short years I will have four teens, sigh. Guess I better figure out how to milk a cow, butcher a pig and raise my own chickens?! The two four year olds can already eat their own weight in food. Don't you love when a complete stranger overshares in the comments? Really funny post, very much enjoy all your posts! Thanks for brightening my day!

[Jessica]

Love this! I shared a link to it on my blog. I have two boys and can't wait and am terrified at the same time to have them get older!

[One Blessed Mamma]

Too funny. I have a 13 year old boy, and everything you said is totally true!

[Deanna]

Ha! ha! Ha! I have a 13 year old boy and I can relate to this SOOOO much! I am going to have to let my readers know about this brilliant version.

[Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience]

I. am. laughing.
Out loud -- at 11 pm!
Ah yes --- you do it every time and oh, so well, Miz Shannon...

Thank you for coming here and working your craft --- you make the world a better place, my friend!

(I've got 4 boys I am reading this to tomorrow :)

All's grace,
Ann

[Kelly @ Love Well]

Genius. Pure genius.

And now I'm hungry for my nightly bowl of Boo Mama granola with (1%) milk.

Dang.

[Judy Haley]

Oh, that is just awesome

[Jane Anne]

This seems brilliant to me. It's also foreshadowing of my life to come. I have a 2 year old daughter, and 3 boys aged 5, 6 (but almost 7), and 9. The boys already often eat more than I do and my oldest has zero body fat. No lie, this morning, he accidentally put on his 5 year old brother's clothes and it didn't phase him until I pointed out he had the wrong clothes on. He looked a bit silly but the shorts and t-shirt weren't all that uncomfortable. I have no idea where he puts his food and he is always hungry. He also loves bacon.

[Kimberly]

At the moment my boys subsist on air, with a stray cheerio or two in the mix. My husband assures me that they will soon eat us out of the house. FUNNY stuff, woman! And, incidentally, the "food" link didn't work, and I tried to find that post in your archives and couldn't. Phooey.

[Denise]

Hah. Ain't that the truth. All of it. Including Chuck Norris and the salesperson.

[Tracy]

I totally love it!! And let me just assure you, when they turn 14 it's only worse! That was great!

[Adventures In Babywearing]

How I can relate even right down to the back up garage fridge!!

(also i'm impressed/jealous your kids can go a whole 12 minutes between meals- all mine do is eat! And of course they're also the skinniest kids on the block.)

Steph

[CousinJ]

I love it:). You'll have to tell him to get his arsenal of Chuck Norris jokes ready for Eric at Thanksgiving. He LOVES them:).

[Beckie]

My 15yo son wants you to know that Chuck Norris was the first person to send a roundhouse kick via e-mail. Just in case you have never heard that one before. You're welcome.

P.S. I loved the poem. And you're right. Good metabolism is wasted on those darn boys. It should be earned by those of us who grew those boys in our bellies and then made sure they entered this world. All 9lb 11ozs of them. But I'm not jealous...well maybe a little.

[Iva @ HorizontalYoYo]

You are right - good metabolism is wasted on the youth!

We love Chuck Norris jokes in this house. Do you know there is a WEBSITE?!?! For real.

[Laryssa @ Heaven In The Home]

This sounds so much like my 10 year old son!

[Linda C]

Ha! As I finished reading this, I heard our 22 yr.old son open and eventually close the fridge- he has 4 older brothers-all married:) The great thing now is he cooks, too! In fact, he prepared dinner the other night for us-- living in a college apartment teaches wonderful things- and we are loving having him live at home this summer!!:) His 19 yr old sister is here too:)

I still have a hard time not cooking for an army...you can imagine.

When they were all home those years, we bought milk 4 gallons at a time every few days. Got used to the looks from the cashiers- and questions--"are you having a party"? or "sleepover"? Nope, just breakfast.:)

I so enjoyed your post! These are precious years- hold them tight-- they go too fast.

And now we have precious grands! It's wonderful!:)

Keep smiling! It really does help.:)

Linda C

[McKt]

Hilarious. My grocery budget runs screaming at the thought of my 4, 3 and 1 year old boys becoming teenagers. I already feel like all I do is feed them. Glad you know that you can laugh through the mortgage sized grocery bill each month.

[Christine]

LOLOL ... you are TOO funny! This is just priceless ... it's funny cause it's true ;-)

OH and P.S. the Chuck Norris jokes are AWESOME! You should end each post with one ;-)

[Lindsey P]

Have you ever typed in "Find Chuck Norris" in a google search and click "Feeling Lucky"? It makes me smile... every time.

[Lisa B.]

Oh.my.gosh! As the mother of a 13-year-old boy I SO appreciated reading this today. ;-)

[Lisa B.]

THANK YOU! I just did that and got the biggest laugh of my life. LOVE IT! ;-)

[Susan]

Love it! My oldest will be 13 next month - the amount of food he eats is unreal. My boys will love the Chuck Norris joke. :)

[Katrina @ Callapidder Days]

Love this! It applies to my almost-12-year-old as well. :)

[Pam]

Great post!!! Thanks for sharing! It's always a blessing to hear stories from a mother with boys. Oh, how I can relate!

[KatieK]

I've already shared this one with multiple people - perfect! My 11-year-old can't seem to stop telling Chuck Norris jokes, so I'm quite familiar with the stories about round house kicks....

[Naomi]

SO funny! What a great way to humorously jot down all the many things a mama does in a day.

[Karen]

Too funny...I have 16, 11, 8, and 1 year old boys and I feel like I am ALWAYS at the grocery store!

[Jessica]

Oh yes. I have a 13 yo stomach with legs too. I can empathize...are you sure my son's not at your house this week?

[Lari]

Sounds a lot like the 13 yo boy that lives at my house!

[Jenni]

LOVE Chuck Norris jokes, and love this post!

[Cindy]

Thank you for sharing that poem, I too have an eater at my house, I told my girls your son's joke and they laughed! Thank you for posting!

[Shell]

How about giving a thirteen year old boy an organic oatmeal cookie and juice flavored water, instead of all that casein loaded milk that causes cancer. There are many sources of calcium, besides milk.

[Melissa B.]

And just wait 'til he turns 25...

[Beckie]

I'm so sorry for this but....there is no conclusive evidence that the casein in milk causes cancer. It will cause you to have an allergic reaction IF you are allergic to casein. Mostly milk is still a really good and healthy choice for growing children. And yes, other foods are also equally as good as milk for supplying calcium. So let those boys drink up. Juice flavored water will not help fill them up the way milk will. I know, I've tried it. I have 2 walking stomaches with hollow leg syndrome!

[Kimberly Hosey (Arizona Writer)]

This is freaking HILARIOUS. And spot on.

And dude, my HUSBAND texts Chuck Norris jokes all day long. What's the deal?

[Laura@HeavenlyHomemakers]

LOVE it. Your boney thirteen year old boy sounds like my boney thirteen year old boy. My cousin assured me that if he keeps eating the way he's eating, one day very soon he will wake up with "man legs". This apparently means that they will turn to muscle and grow hair.

I'm trying to decide how I feel about that. :)

[KathrynB]

LOLOL TOo funny. BTW...Chuck Norris CAN gargle with peanut butter.

[Megan]

Very cute and creative! I have a 14 year old that this fits perfectly!
Thanks for your fun blog.

[Megret]

Hilarious - - funny doesn't even begin to explain this! Made my day. :)

[JeneeLyn]

My husband does not appreciate the humor I find in blogs like yours and Pioneer Woman's, but he will appreciate the Chuck Norris jokes!

[Audra Rundle]

I love your creative take on a classic children's book! I did a write up on a children's book, "If You Give a Pig a Pancake" for Little One Books, and it follows the same format. It's one of those "Why didn't I think of that?" formats :) Your version is just as funny as the book - and even more so to all those mom's out there with teenage boys. Kudos! - Audra, www.littleonebooks.com

[Molly B.]

Oh, you make me laugh! And, since I have an almost-13 son and we were told yesterday that we'd be adding major orthodontic work on top of our grocery bills, I needed it!

And, my sons will also love the Chuck Norris joke!

[Penny]

I used the same book to describe a day in my life last week. You can tell we are Moms that have read that book too many times!! :-)
Everything just goes through my mind to the tune of "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" :-D

[Suzanne]

This is literary gold! thanks! :)

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